by Michael Phelps, 20-time Olympic Gold Medal Champion
Schools across the country are getting ready to come to a close for summer vacation, meaning it’s time to start rewarding those hard-working teachers out there. Here are some great gift ideas for all educators that will remind them of how much we appreciate their service!
1. Anything with an Apple on it
That’s all teachers think about. Apples. It’s what defines them as an educator. They wake up every morning thinking about that beautiful apple-shaped bell that they can ring. This bell is like a magical wand that calmly quiets large groups of disillusioned students with rough home lives and makes them pass all those completely accurate and legitimate state tests.
2. Life, the Board Game
Nothing says “I chose the wrong occupation” like getting the life card that says you get $250,000 a year. Don’t be alarmed if they start sobbing as soon as they spin the wheel and add one lonely peg to their Life car, which is probably less shitty than the one they drive in Real Life:
3. A Mug that says “World’s Best Teacher”
Next year, when they discover the hard way that they get to deal with your special kind of insanity during parent-teacher conferences for one more year, you will see them drinking out of said mug. When that day comes, do not smell the contents. Do not ask questions like, “Why is the rim of that mug salted?” Just let him or her be.
4. Candles, Candles, Candles!!!
This a great gift for middle school teachers. They’ll especially appreciate the “Please God, let them discover deodorant today” scent.
5. A Video of a Screaming Child
Summer vacation is when teachers get to relax, but you just know that they miss those devil incarnate children! A short, thoughtfull YouTubed video will warm their hearts and remind them that they have the most #blessed job of all. Trust me, it will not send them into a PTSD-like fit. It will serve as a reminder to call their doctor to confirm that tube-tying of vasectomy procedure!
6. A Gift Certificate
For a tube-tying or vasectomy procedure.
Becca Taubel has performed with Second City Theatricals aboard the Norwegian Epic and is a current HouseCo member. She likes unicorns. USA! USA!