My fellow Americans, I am proud to announce my presidential campaign for the 2016 election.
Something I’ve come to learn is that most folks care a whole lot whether or not people like them. I consider myself somebody who doesn’t really give two shits at this point – but I’m still thinking about it just shy of all the time – so it’s certainly an issue worth addressing.
But instead of trying to figure out how to get people to like you, I’ll do you one better – let’s first figure out the more pressing issue of “How can you get people to stop hating you?”
Because they do. I hate, on average, one person a day. Always revolving. Maybe an hour at a time. Usually a dude, but sometimes girls, too. It’s inevitable that people are gonna hate you, unless, of course, you’re a really sweet adult-retarded-person or like a quiet florist whose wife recently died. Yet, there are some people that are so easy to hate. So let’s begin to try and steer you clear of that.
Here is why people hate you.
You Eat with Your Mouth Wide Open
Manners separate women from men, men from assholes, assholes from monkeys, and monkeys from Honey Boo Boo. As a man with bad manners, I learned this the hard way. I chew my gum loud; I eat with my hands, and from time to time I curse ad naseum (just to name a few of my near-abysmal habits). But I’m trying desperately to change. Because any time you put bad manners on display, I guarantee someone else is noticing – and deeply lowering their opinion of you. If you are over the age of 22 and belching or farting at high volume, you might as well wear a shirt that says “Hate Me, I’m Grating.” If you are using the N-word at the dinner table, then that dinner had better be a meeting for A) your gang or B) your KKK chapter. And for that matter, don’t join a gang or the KKK, ’cause by design – people will hate you.
Savage behavior doesn’t make you more rugged or rough around the edges. It just makes you more unappealing. That Sam Shepard cowboy off in the distance has good breath and chews with his mouth closed, guaranteed.
Showing Your Emotions
If you want to relate to people, you’ve got to show your emotions a little bit. You have to empathize, or at least nod your head to acknowledge you’re listening. And when someone asks your opinion, you have to give something back or you’ll be pegged as aloof. Which I’m told by my friends, family and coworkers, people hate.
However, I would certainly take that over the opposite. Don’t show too much emotion. He who cares the least – wins. This doesn’t work for firefighters, presidents, and people working for tips. But if folks see you wildly mad, happy, sad, horny, enraged, stoned, shamed, elated and guilty in the same afternoon – you make a great case for those people to hate you. No one wants to ride the roller coaster of anyone else’s emotions. So if’s not a key life moment where you need to inspire or defend your fellow man/woman, shut the fuck up, chill out, and make everybody feel welcome. The only thing worth wearing on your sleeve is confidence. The rest looks tacky as all hell.
Doing Better Than Everybody Else
The number one thing people hate in one another is when one Motherfucker has something that another Motherfucker doesn’t. If you have a job somebody else wants, guess what? That Motherfucker hates you. In fact, if you have a job in general, then there are millions of Motherfuckers that hate you. But that’s their problem. You were born a baller and I salute you for aiming for the top.
However, don’t tell everybody about it. The problem with social media is everybody says you have your own brand, but at the same time, nobody says stop telling me every single time you did something good. I don’t need to see a picture of your food, and even your kids are starting to get on my nerves. If you’re doing well, enjoy it. But quit talking about it and flaunting it. Otherwise, I have no choice but to hate you, my friend.
To be continued…
Billy Bungeroth, (Editor) is a Director and consultant at The Second City in Chicago and also plays guitar with JC Brooks and the Uptown Sound. You can follow Billy on Twitter @BillyBungeroth or learn more than you should from his continuing adventures at http://lessthan40.blogspot.com/.