I mean, it’s got bell chimes. There are so many octaves. I win.
Another year, another attempt at rebooting the Superman franchise. I can’t say I’m surprised. A new director, a new vision, a new actor donning the cape – in terms of actors playing the same role, we’re approaching Doctor Who territory, and that’s not a good thing.
But no one’s addressing the big problem with Superman: he’s an alien! Pretend he’s an all-American boy all you want, he’s still foreign and unapproachable. He needs something to humanize him. If only he had some kind of furry companion to make him more relatable.
Oh wait, he TOTALLY DOES. IT’S ME.
And before you say anything, this isn’t about the money. I’ve still got some residuals coming in from the cartoon and I’m the mascot of a local Chevy dealer down here in Temecula, so ol’ Krypto’s doing just fine. I just want the movie to be good.
And I’m not saying I need to be a huge part of it. I’m not asking for a big action sequence – just some side by side flying, a couple of laser eye-blasts, maybe a hilarious misunderstanding where Superman throws a stick and I bring back the Eiffel Tower.
Okay, now the creative juices are flowing. How about we make this thing more of a buddy comedy? He’s the the straight-laced crime-fighter; I’m the loose cannon. Like a superpowered Turner & Hooch. Like maybe we’re on a stakeout and Supes is all, “Krypto, are you paying attention?” and then he looks back and I’m peeing on his cape. That’s your trailer moment right there!
It just makes sense! Think of the merchandising alone! Kids love animals. I’m an animal. Let’s sell some damn Happy Meals!
But I’m probably just kidding myself, right? You dumbasses are just going to put Superman on a fishing trawler, make him all moody, have Kevin Costner say some folksy bullshit and call it a day. Good luck with that. Can’t wait to see the next reboot in two years.
Give me a call when you’re ready to make a fucking Superman movie.