My fellow Americans, I am proud to announce my presidential campaign for the 2016 election.
Ladies and Gentlemen!
Welcome to the 75th annual Hunger Games. This year marks the 3rd Quarter Quell. You have been chosen once again to represent your district in the biggest young-adult bloodbath since the Cullens went head-to-head with the Vultari at the end of Twi-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
This is THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE!! You are headed to the only place where fire tries to catch you! Want to survive? Maybe even walk away one more time (and/or one-legged for some of you) a champion?
Here’s your ultimate winner’s guide to The Hunger Games.
Don’t Get Cocky
I know what you’re thinking. “Man, I won this bitch already. They ain’t got nothin’ on me.” Guess what, dummy? Everybody won this bitch already. And some of them actually killed people to do so. Also, some of them just hid in the mud, but many of them killed people.
We’re in the big leagues, baby.
Keep It Tight
Please tell me that just because you won last year (hello, Katniss), your bow didn’t end up at the bottom of your closet with your 6th grade calligraphy set and unicycle. Do not tell me you let your spear arm get rusty! C’mon, girl! This is President Snow we’re talking about! This dude is maniacal as hell, so you KNOW you gotta keep up your game. Whip a few arrows in the backyard. Gallagher a couple melons with your mace! Keep it tight, Kat. Keep. It. Right.
Strategy Is Your Everything
Take a minute to reflect upon how you won this thing last time. Remember? You were amazing.
Now put that in a newspaper, roll it up and throw that out the window. Remember when you killed that last kid with a knife hidden in your boot? Guess what? EVERYBODY REMEMBERS THAT. You better have some new tricks.
If you find yourself in an elevator with the competition, get naked! Does it help? Couldn’t hurt!
Enjoy the Nudity of Others
If you’re in an elevator and your competition gets naked, Do Not Stop Them! Just enjoy it, pal, because let’s be honest. You’re probably gonna die.
Oh Snap, Werewolf Dogs?!?!
Don’t forget that the Capitol has Werewolf Dogs. Will they use ‘em?!? I don’t know!!! But I’ll bet that if they have Werewolf Dogs, then they’ve most likely got other crazy stuff too. Why don’t we just assume they can make any animal crazy? DON’T TRUST ANIMALS.
I Can’t Stress This Fact Enough: People Will Die
Friends will become enemies. Giant faces will be projected in the sky. Little silver parachutes of random lubes and creams will fall from the sky. There’s going to be a lot going on. If it all becomes too much, just stop and breathe.
Countdown with me. 5…4…3…2…1…
Oh, shit– that’s the start! RUN, DUMMY!
Derek Shipman is an actor/writer with The Second City. He has toured and understudied and currently lives in Chicago.