While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive…
Anthony Weiner’s new video announcing his candidacy for mayor of New York City went through a lot of edits. A lot. As you watch the final video released to the public, read along with the uncut, unauthorized version his campaign manager never wanted you to see…
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INT. ANTHONY WEINER’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Anthony Weiner and his wife Huma Abedin at breakfast table, feeding their baby.
Every day starts right here, and it’s the best part of my day.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET – DAY
ANTHONY WEINER (CONT’D)
And then you step outside, and New York’s
as good a place as any to tweet pictures of your penis like no other place.
This was my neighborhood growing up. A middle-class kid in Brooklyn.
INSERT – PHOTOS OF OLD NEIGHBORHOOD
I thought we had it all. Playing
with my balls stickball late into the night. And if we were lucky, playing with my balls a Mets game on the weekends.
INSERT – VIDEO OF MOM TEACHING
I went to P.S. 39. My mom was a schoolteacher for 31 years in public schools just like this.
My dad went to law school on the GI Bill
but no way did he have a big penis like mine. No way. Look at this and then hung a shingle outside our house.
Theirs is the classic New York story. You work hard, you make it into the middle class, and
you go to Congress, and that’s where your groin comes into play and you make life a little bit better for your kids. That’s how this city was built.
INSERT – VIDEO OF NYC NEIGHBORHOODS AND BROWNSTONES
I’m it’s getting harder and harder every day. Some of the highest rents in the country. Went up 20% the last two years alone. Wanna buy a house? It’ll cost you a million bucks. INSERT – PHOTOS OF WOMAN IN COLLEGE, PORN ACTRESS, BLACKJACK DEALER Are you a woman in college, a porn actress, or a blackjack dealer? Text me.
Good jobs with benefits? Disappearing. Our schools aren’t what they should be.
And we need to keep this city safe.
INSERT – VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WEINER TALKING TO SHOPKEEPERS
These old guys who own corner stores? Woefully small penises.
And if you’re trying to run a business in a neighborhood shopping strip like this one, you’re drowning in regulations that nickel and dime you to death.
The very people that put everything they had into this city are getting priced right out of it.
Sorry, but it has to be that way. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
INSERT – FOOTAGE OF WEINER’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS
In Congress, I
stripped down to my boxer briefs, took my phone out, and made history got a billion dollars to put more cops on the beat. Off. Beat off.
Fought to get sick 9/11 first responders the help they deserve. Led the campaign for real health reform that regular people can afford.
Speaking of regular people, I’d be one too, if it weren’t for my oversized schlong. INSERT – PHOTO OF WEINER’S OVERSIZED SCHLONG
We can make a difference if we’re willing to fight for it.
Look, I made some
amazing art big mistakes, and I know I let a lot of people down. You know who I didn’t let down? Harry Richard Weiner the Third, a.k.a., my penis extraordinaire. He’s always up, baby! But I’ve also learned some tough lessons. Like don’t trust Twitter to help. INSERT – GRAPHIC OF DECAPITATED TWITTER BIRD
I’m running for mayor cause I’ve been fighting for the middle class and those struggling to make it my entire life.
And I hope I get a second chance to show you my abs. And I hope I get a second chance to work for you.
EXT. – NEW YORK – DAY
Anthony and wife sit together on the steps of an apartment building.
ANTHONY WEINER (CONT’D)
New York City should be the middle class capital of the world. And I’ve got some ideas of how to do it.
Sixty-nine of them. Sixty-four of them. Right on my website. Take a look and tell me what you think.
You piece of shit. I’m done. We love this city, and no one will work harder to make it better than Anthony.
show the world my dick again. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But trust me: you haven’t seen the last of this pork barrel fight for you every single day. Thank you for watching.
Hans Holsen is an actor, improviser, and writer in the city of Chicago. He works for The Second City and also improvises at The Annoyance and iO Theater.