An Op-Ed by Truck VanCar, Elected Duke of Patriarchy and Ted Nugent Enthusiast
Steam-clean your tighty whities and crack open a bottle of your best meth!
The countdown is on for the highly-anticipated Breaking Bad series finale this Sunday. How will it all end? Our guess is as good as yours.
(Or maybe, our guesses really blow…)
Here are The Second City’s Breaking Bad finale predictions.
“I think the guy with the poor choice of glasses will go to jail and stop yelling all the time, and his super-cute wife will find a much nicer husband. Also, something with tank tops and somebody named Jesse. I read US Weeklys while my boyfriend watches this show.” –Abby Mager, Director of Business Development
“Bryan Cranston wakes up in the hotel room of a methed-up Frankie Muniz.” –Joseph Ruffner, Producer, Touring Companies & Associate Producer, Theatricals
“Walt finally quits cooking and runs away with his family to start a new life. He invests all of his assets into a struggling Panera, and AMC uses it to launch their first spin-off: Baking Bread. ‘Knead Lightly.’” –Derek Shipman, SCN Contributor
“Bad is finally gonna break. I just know it.” –Stephanie Gruender, Adult Program Manager/Producer of House Ensembles
“Walt wakes up next to Jane Kaczmarek.” –Ed Furman, SCN Contributor
“Walt Avada Kedavras Todd, Uncle Jack, and the rest of those guys so he and Jesse can officially start a new business: breeding teacup puppies. I would still consider this highly unethical, but at least it won’t leave me crying in a corner and rocking myself for comfort the way the actual ending is bound to.” –Casey Pilkenton, BizCo
“The zombie apocalypse happens, and AMC writes Walt into The Walking Dead.” –Aaron Sjoholm, Training Center Operations Manager & Teacher
“That one guy from Malcolm in the Middle and that other guy that looks like a hobbit will probably kill the smoke monster, leave purgatory and then make their way to a diner that is playing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ while waiting for their families to show up, and as the the screen goes black seemingly mid-scene… the audience realizes we are all inside the mind of an autistic child.” –Carisa Barreca, Resident Member of the E.T.C.
“Walt and Jesse make amends, then go on to supplant Los Pollos Hermanos as Albuquerque’s #1 fast-food chain: Heisenburgers, Bitch!” –Eddie Mujica, Second City Touring Company & SCN Contributor
“Walt legally changes his last name to Heisenberg, converts to Judaism and goes on Aliyah to Israel where he becomes an orthodox Rabbi. He later gets in trouble with the chief Rabbi when he insists on wearing his tighty whities instead of his Tallit. –Scott Goldstein, TC Faculty Member
“Walter White finally tries meth for the first time, and his ensuing drug-induced coma inspires him to attend Burning Man every year for the rest of his life. He never wears pants again.” –John Thibodeaux, The Second City Touring Company, Understudy
“Walt uses drug fortune to resume manufacturing of the reliable and dependable Pontiac Aztec.” –Michael Lehrer, Resident Member of the E.T.C.
“The world ends. On the show, and in real life. What will people care about and talk about once it’s over? WHAT WILL GIVE OUR LIVES MEANING?!?!?! Wait, Game of Thrones starts when?” –Andel Sudik, SCN Contributor