I’ll see you all in Hell or Florida!
The Year 2016
So you’re thinking about adding a nerd to your social circle. Debating hitting that Add Friend button?
Let us help you weigh your options.
Pro: Never Worry About Computer Problems Ever Again
iPhone not syncing? Laptop not opening PDF files? Worry no longer, because you’ve got your own personal Geek Squad bestie! He’ll explain the terms and conditions of your iTunes contract, then share a joint, sit on your couch, and watch the iTunes Visualizer while listening to Usher’s Confessions and giving high fives and eating homemade guacamole with a serving spoon! It’s called living the dream!
Con: Cold and Calculated Sociopaths
Nerds are heartless and deliberate creatures who will eat your guacamole and help you fix your computer– but could never really care about you as a friend. If they do anything nice for you, it stems from some sort of calculated offering to lull you into a sense of false security. They are like machines. They only care about self-preservation and printer paper. You’ll say something awesome like, “You’re a good friend, Kyle,” and all he’ll hear is, “01101101”. Then, he’ll nod his head robotically like a robot and shovel more Cardstock 8-1/2 x 11″ into his mouth.
Pro: Never Calculate the Tip On a Bill Ever Again
We all know the worst part about dining out is trying to calculate a 6% tip on a $200 bill. Do I carry the one or carry the two? Jeez, just carry me home– I’m exhausted, right? Well, fear not! Now you travel with your very own walking calculator! Nerds are great with numbers and are able to quickly calculate tips and other numbers relevant to dining out, like inflation or the yield on a 10-year treasury bond.
Con: You Will Be Murdered
Because you are a useless imbecile who cannot perform even the most pedestrian of mathematical tasks such as calculating gratuity on a $50 bar tab, your nerd friend will ultimately decide it is in the best interest of the universe to halt your unnecessary consumption of valuable resources– and destroy you. Nerds are legion of machine people who obsess about efficiency and fantasy. They get off on the violent imagery they see in Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Game of Thrones. And because of their unyielding fascination with death coupled with your senselessness existence, you will be the vessel through which they actualize their sick homicidal fantasies.
Pro: Learn About Comic Books!
Comic books were a big part of everyone’s youth and remain an important part of the American cultural narrative. Allow your new bestie to culture you and together explore with childlike wonder the pages of X-Men. Let your nerd flag fly, you geeks!
Con: Your Parents Will Be Murdered
Nerds are highly intelligent and often seduced by the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. They have no respect for human life and they believe in nothing, so after they murder you, their machine hard drives will make some cold calculations like, “Who will be the person most interested in finding the killer of this human? 0110111011101. Must. Find. Human. Creators.” In no time at all, their CPUs will surmise that your parents must be viciously murdered as well.
Pro: Nerds Generally Have Nice TVs and Record Collections
They’re just things, but sometimes things can be nice. Sit back and listen to the high fidelity of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band while watching Pretty Little Liars in uncompressed 1080p high definition and give your nerdy friend a seemingly bizarre amount of uninterrupted high fives. Radical!
Con: You, Your Family, and Your Extended Family, Everyone You Have Ever Known, Everything You Find Valuable and True Will be Snuffed Out of Existence By A Sociopathic Nihilist Machine Man All Because You Watched Season 1 of Doctor Who and Listened to 6 episodes of WTF with Marc Maron But Decided You Wanted Some Different Friends
Bill Dixon is a comedian and comedy writer residing in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter @BillDixonish.