Dear Craig It’s Daddy I’m writing this letter since you don’t want to talk to me right now but I…
I watched The Bachelor finale last night. During the three hour viewing extravaganza (grueling even for viewers), I found myself dreading the proposal as I watched the last date with the final two contestants, knowing for one woman that the guillotine was slowly being lowered. As she walks in too high heels on some sort of surface that is in no way made for stilettos, she walks towards the man she thinks is supposed to be her husband. He is standing on a makeshift stage– typically a wooden platform in the middle of nowhere which looks eerily similar to a sacrificial altar. There, we watch as one woman’s emotional well-being is slaughtered so that another may have a good marriage. In case you didn’t know– heartbreak is bad enough, but it’s even worse in HD.
So I realized, as the Bachelor/Bachelorette approaches its 18th season, perhaps the producers are looking for a way to mix it up, so here is my “proposal”– combine The Bachelor with The Hunger Games. Not too much would have to change. Here’s how it would work:
1. The number of Tributes would actually be the same (roughly 25 women) and would meet in an ABC Studio (The Capital).
2. All Tributes would still be waxed to remove any and all body hair.
3. The women would be introduced to the audience in glittering gowns as they are presented to the game makers (producers).
4. Each woman would be lifted on platforms to ground level in front of the mansion, where she must run to the fountain (Cornucopia) to quickly greet the man she hopes to marry and then run like hell before she is bludgeoned by another contestant.
5. A drunken mentor (from The Bachelor Pad) would be provided to each contestant and would be chosen from past seasons of the television show.
6. On dates, the contestants would have to be careful as some of the food provided would be poisoned. On the 2-on-1 dates, one woman is guaranteed to drop dead at the table.
7. Chris Harrison (Caesar Flickerman) would assist the contestants in getting gifts from sponsors which would come in the form of beauty products that double as survival tools: curling irons (hot spears), tanning lotion (camouflage), and hairspray (mace).
8. Half way through the season, a feast would be offered at the fountain where there will be something each contestant desperately needs: medicine, food, therapy, etc.
9. At the end of each episode, a cannon boom would sound and rose petals would explode into the air letting you know which contestant has been eliminated (read: exterminated).
10. Basic conversations could be avoided like The Bachelor questioning the woman on her level of commitment and whether she would move to his city. If she is willing to brutally murder 24 other women to be with him, then you don’t even need to ask.
Kate Lambert has written and acted in shorts that have been featured on such sites as The Huffington Post, MTV, Cosmopolitan, Perez Hilton, Feministing, PoliticusUSA, College Humor, and Italy’s Vanity Fair. She is a member of the sketch group Cell Camp and the improv groups The Katydids, Virgin Daiquiri, and Rick at the iO Theater. www.katelambert.com