While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive…
Please meet the eight Work Husbands I’m currently spending my imaginary Office Lady life with.
1. The Lunch Buddy: Michael Emerson from Lost Boys
This dude is great to go to lunch with, because he’s always late to work, always looks like he just woke up hungover at 1 p.m., and is always ready for grease. So really, we order a lot of takeout together. Hey, Mikey– no more Chinese, okay? Last time they accidentally gave us maggots. But the fortune cookie said we’ll be together forever.
2. The Popular Guy You’re Immune To, But Secretly Giddy He Likes You Best: Adam Levine
Whatever. All the ladies in the office love him, his confidence, the way he closes a sale, how his necklace never jingle-jangles because it’s tattooed around his neck. But I don’t get it. And my cool indifference is why he respects me with ardent fervor. Ohmygodhejustlookedatme! Do I have spinach in my teeth? Why is my hair texture so weird today? What should I get him for our workiversary? Probably something that smells tough like cobra venom and shameful… like my shame.
3. The IT Guy Who Thinks You’re A Dreamgirl: Ivan from King of the Nerds
I’m not delusional. I know my demographic, and it’s nerds. Mr. Hotshot Director of Marketing doesn’t appreciate the fact that I once dressed up as Max Fischer from Rushmore (Not SEXY Max. Just regular. But that’s sexy to Ivan.) for Halloween, but Ivan does. When all that time I spend on Buzzfeed crashes my Dell, I know Ivan will fix it. When I spill Trop50 on my keyboard, Ivan wants to fix it for me. Nay, he needs to fix it for me.
4. The Funny Guy: Buzzfeed’s Matt Stopera
Oh, Matty. You’re hilarious… and you’re in my head. Real bad. When I first read “The 25 Most Embarrassing Destiny’s Child Coordinated Looks,” we were engaged, but “The 26 Most Puzzling Pictures Of Leonardo DiCaprio Ever Taken” was like our all-inclusive honeymoon in Bora Bora. And I love when you rush into my office, baby blues a-twinkle, to tell me 27 pee-your-Levi’s-hilarious things that Jerkboss did in that one meeting I missed.
5. The Obsessed With Office Politics Guy: Eddie Vedder
What’s that, Ed? If we only eliminated all those wasteful K-Cups and made Sanka, we’d save the planet? Count me in, ‘cuz I’m already on board your company-wide “If It’s Yellow, Let It Mellow” initiative. Hell, I’ll even rally with you against that Gail getting a new monitor bullshit when yours has had that annoying weird line down the side for months– just because you’re as passionate about the supreme injustice of it all as you are about moi. You make work matter.
6. The Positive Thinker: Damien Echols
Did the big meeting go south? Get a shitty review? Accidentally reply to all? He puts it all in perspective for me. On Twitter. “You have gifts and talents you have yet to discover.” “You were hand crafted by the universe to bring blessings to the world that only you have to offer.” It’s like HR inter-officed you down from heaven, right to me.
7. The Guy Who Helps You Use the Scanner Without Judgement: Carlos, My UPS Guy
Last Christmas, I started openly weeping while penning the note to go along with his Starbucks gift card. In all reality, Carlos is the only other adult male I spend time with on regular basis besides my real-life husband, and he’s more useful. He carries the eight-ton deliveries of baby food and diapers inside my home for me without ever letting the cat escape, not once! Plus, he never, ever questions how or why Zappos has a warehouse in my spare bedroom.
8. The Cool-Headed Hard Worker: Steve Harvey
Does anything get your feathers ruffled? The day I hitched my wagon to yours, stuff just started feeling… easier. Lighter. More pin-striped. You’ve shown me that if I just stick to my guns, things will start to pay off. But my real-life husband is wary of our work-marriage, because you look uncannily like Uncle Paco from Tom & Jerry. And that’s my weakness.
Liz Lekas Kozak is a writer based in Chicago who was way into cats before being into cats was en vogue. You can find out more about her and what else she’s into (besides cats and En Vogue) on her blog, poseypieproductions.com
Follow Liz: @LizKoz