By Paul Ryan
At this point in the summer, you’ve probably already attended more than your desired share of weddings: which is 1.
Unfortunately, weddings per season usually add up to somewhere between 6-8, and I wind up dropping somewhere between $300-$500 on gifts, $120-200 in cabs going home, and umpteen early morning hours of my life I’ll never get back deleting embarrassing Facebook pictures I’m tagged in doing the “Put a Ring On It” moves.
I’ve already attended 4 this summer and, like an idiot, have “Will Happily Attend”-ed 4 more. If you’re like me, you can benefit greatly from this list of “Wedding I-Dos” and “Wedding Don’t-You-Dares, You Moron.”
DO wear your previously-worn fancy attire. Throw a cardigan over it. Wear that shit inside out. Rock anything confidently, and it’s a brave fashion choice. You’re already spending major cash on gifts they’ll get doubles of and probably return.
DON’T cry off your mascara at the dinner table during the reception. Use ceremony time to appropriately get all your “Poor, pitiful me! I’m still single and always will be and my mom won’t shut up about grandkids and when did I start sobbing?” tears out. That’s what it’s there for.
DO also use ceremony time to pick out your ONE acceptable hook-up. If you’ve seen one ceremony, you’ve seen them all. (If you’ve never been to a wedding, SPOILER ALERT: Love does not envy or boast.) Use this time to find someONE cute, and take a sober, mental note: You are not allowed to make out with anyone else on the dance floor during “Careless Whisper.”
Actually, DO NOT make out with ANYONE on the dance floor during “Careless Whisper.” Thanks, Vine and and all my asshole friends who think it’s funny to watch me embarrass myself in my most incriminating 6 seconds. Until the after party at The Hangge-Uppe.
If you do make out with someone you just met on the dance floor, DO own your shit by winking at any camera you see, because hey, you still got it. Who else do you know that can get someone they just met to find the Chicken Dance sexy?
DO NOT talk about how much cooler Carrie’s wedding at Salvage One was than this one. Carrie always has the best shit, and everyone knows it. Even the bride’s grandmother knows it, and you don’t need to be telling her right now.
DON’T YOU DARE grab the groom’s ass during the dollar dance or put a note reading, “This could’ve been us” inside. So what you dated in college and he said he’d love you forever and now he actually means it with this beautiful downtown executive something or other? That sort of action, even if you’re totally joking, isn’t funny. It’s tacky. And classless. Let’s face it, that was just dumb… why did I DO that?!
DO leave without telling anyone goodbye. I do this EVERYWHERE, not just at weddings. It saves everyone from an embarrassing “It was so good to see you, whatever-your-name-is,” and no one will ever know just how much of that free pink wine you’ve consumed.
DO be happy. As much as we single sad sacks want to believe that weddings are a constant reminder that we still haven’t found another bed-ridden internet troll to share our lives with, in reality, it’s a celebration of two people– most likely one of whom has spent no less than 200 hours on TheKnot.com– who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together.
They thought of you as someone they wanted to share that one special day with.
Be strong. Good luck. Don’t eff this up.
Nikki Pierce (@nikkinikkp) is an actor, writer, and dancer/choreographer currently living in Chicago. She regularly performs at several storytelling and comedy shows around the city and, if interested, you can properly stalk the rest of her work at nikki-pierce.com or nikki-pierce.tumblr.com.