Suburban Sex Party News

Howdy, howdy! Ken Dorothy here again, bringing you yet another update from that little bastion you folks in the big city all dream of living in -- the ‘burbs! It’s easy to be jealous from afar, so move on out here already! The water’s nice and warm!

Speaking of warm, spring has sprung!  Or at least in this forever hopeful’s eyes it has.  It’s still a bit chilly, but people are out and about having fun! The fun next door to me, however, has to stop, as I now know they are having increasingly dangerous sex parties there.

BADMINTON

As I write this at my kitchen table, I’m watching the house, and it’s just a nonstop parade of deviants coming in and out-- truly a horrifying spectacle! Wow. Okay, regardless, I’ll be hosting a couples round-robin badminton tournament in my backyard this weekend, so if you have a partner (or “life” partner, Larry and Eric!!! Love you guys!), come on over for some extreme fun and sports. Oh my goodness, what looks like the gimp from Pulp Fiction is coming out of the house, and I didn’t even see him go in!

PARK CLEANUP

You all know we’ve got pretty much the loveliest park in the whole county right in our midst, but... “with great power comes great responsibility” (couldn’t resist-- LOL, Spiderman was on TBS again last night -- love that movie!).  We’ve got to keep the park clean. It gets a lot of use, and sometimes it gets a little messy. This Saturday at 11 am, bring a trash bag and a positive attitude, and we’ll clean it up together-- refreshments will be served! Holy moly, I’ve never seen so many ex-cops in one place, but they’re all convening next door it seems! And not for nothing, but I thought cops carried guns, and these guys just have knives!

CAT FUNERAL

We were all sorry to hear of the passing of Mrs. Heathstone’s cat, Emily Dickinson, this past week, which as many of you know makes three local feline fatalities this month.  In their honor, a couple of us have decided to take it upon ourselves to throw a group funeral service for our lost furry friends. It’ll be a small, tasteful service at the softball field on Sunday evening, right at dusk (very fitting we thought and no games that late).  Oh, Lord.  Is that... a clown? It is. And he’s not even smiling. Far from it, in fact!

COMMUNITY THEATER PRODUCTION OF BRIGADOON OPENS FRIDAY

Okay, the sex clown is inside. There have got to be twenty-five people in there now.  And not a single light is on. Okay, they’re right in front of the window now, so I can see very clearly. It looks like that awful movie our film school nephew recommended, Eyes Wide Shut. So many people are wearing cloaks now! Oh, God. They’re looking RIGHT at me now. They’re just staring. Oh my, they’re coming over. Oh no, no. This... oh, boy.  There’s the doorbell. Guess I better wrap this up here.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the update! See you all at the pool!

Ken Dorothy
Suburban-In-Chief

John Hartman is a member of The Second City National Touring Company.  He performs improv in Chicago at the iO Theater and with Baby Wants Candy at the Apollo Theater.  He has written and performed two solo shows at The Annoyance Theatre, and has performed at the TBS Just for Laughs Festival in Chicago.