Dear Esteemed FLOTUS Michelle Obama Esq I watched your speech last night at the DNC and I can safely say…
Class is back in session for all Chicago Public Schools students, so we at The Second City thought we’d share our best (and our worst) back-to-school advice.
Happy First Day of School, kids!
“Quit stressing about your 1st day of school outfit. Everyone’s been thinking about it, so you can’t really win that game. Go with a stellar 4th day outfit… by then, everyone’s back to track pants. You’ll shine through like a rock star.” -Abby Mager, Director of Business Development
“Don’t skip class. Tuition works out to be about $6.23 a minute.” -Geneve Ong, Graphic Design Intern
“Make sure to pack your own junk food. Michelle Obama is waging some kind of a vendetta against soda and candy machines, and you don’t want to get caught without your Sour Patch Kids.” -Daniel Strauss, SCN Contributor
“Buy a 19-cent compass at Walgreens for better circles.” -Michael Lehrer, Second City E.T.C. Resident Member
“Get a last-minute spray tan and act like you picked up smoking so that you don’t always get booted to the back seat on the way to cheerleading practice.” -Stephanie Gruender, Adult Program Manager/Producer of House Ensembles
“When buying school supplies, go Lisa Frank every time.” -Hope Hudson, Executive Assistant
“Don’t worry about being cool. Risk and failure is what learning to do comedy is all about.” -Anne Libera, Director of Comedy Studies & Coordinator of the new major in Comedy: Writing and Performing
“Always, ALWAYS have your gym uniform… Otherwise, you will have to wear THE LOANER.” -Jessica Antes, Second City Training Center
“At the going rate, a bag of Funyuns is worth two bags of Doritos, which means you can hoard Fritos and flood the lunchtime trading market if someone brings dip.” -Neal Dandade, Second City Touring Company
“Don’t sign up for an 8am class. You may think it’s a good idea. It isn’t.” -Niq Schwartz, Night Manager
“Don’t ever feel pressured to bring those Kleenex boxes.” -Katie Tyner, Manager
“Wear a jacket everyday. That way, no one will notice you got fat over the summer.” -Jeff Gandy, Education & Youth Programs Manager
“Make friends with the stoners, they’ll have your back when the sh*t goes down.” -Andrew Eninginer, Head of the Writing Program, The Second City Training Center
“Don’t pretend you can see the chalkboard when in fact you can’t ‘cause you have sh*tty vision. Everyone is just going to think you’re stupid. Also, glasses aren’t the end of the world.” -Kerry Sheehan, President, Training Centers & Education Programs
“Sometimes great writers feature literary elements that represent a phallus.” -Phil Ranta, SCN Contributor / Boat Co. Alum
“Do not write your favorite band’s name on your cloth Trapper Keeper cover in white-out pen. That binder will stick with you for the next four years; the band may not. Sincerely, a 9th grade fan of the Gin Blossoms.” -Natalie Shipman, Second City TourCo alum/SCN Contributor
“Don’t Nair your eyebrows. I did this the night before my first day of high school.” -Rachel LaForce, Second City Touring Company
“You can never have enough hickeys.” -Andrew Thorp, Teen & Youth Instructor, The Second City Training Center
“Tattoo fake eyes on your eyelids so you can sleep in class and the teacher won’t know.” -Andrea Miller, Group Events & Catering Manager
“I heard Jason’s selling weed in the parking lot.” -Aaron Sjoholm, Training Center Operations Manager & Faculty
“Trust everyone.” -Kiley Peters, Online Marketing Manager
“From a misguided hairdresser at our local mall salon in Virginia: ‘A perm is the perfect back-to-school look.’” -Robin Hammond, Director of Marketing
“Don’t be a disgrace to the Asian Race: Advice from my Filipino friend upon entering my senior year of high school. My parents were also thinking the same thing, but it was more like, ‘Don’t be a disgrace.‘ I think I’ve failed some people.” -JB Winkin, Manager, UP Comedy Club
“School is kind of like prison, so the first day walk in and beat up the biggest person in the school. Then you will have the power.” -John Sabine, National Touring Company Understudy
“These are the best years of your life” -Carrie-Ann Pishnak, Marketing & Communications Manager
“On the first day, bring in your own Sorting Hat, put it on during homeroom and yell, “Okay, if you say so, Sorting Hat!” and walk out of the school.” -Andrew Knox, SCN Contributor
“Care about what ‘cool’ people think about you. Care so hard. ‘Cause you know those people are going to be cool forever. FOREVER! Oh, and also…cut your own bangs.” -Carisa Barreca, Second City E.T.C. Resident Company Member
“Your friends will suggest you build a quarter-mile escape tunnel through your locker to the nearest Starbucks. Don’t do it! The construction permits alone make it a fruitless venture.” -Bill Dixon, Writer/Comedian & SCN Contributor.
“Ask your teacher what they really wanted to be when they grew up.” -Rebecca Grossman, Box Office
No closures here! School’s always in session at The Second City Training Center.