50 years after her first appearance on Broadway, Elaine May won a well-deserved Tony Award.
2015 has been a record year for shark attacks in the United States. Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of being hit by a meteorite than being attacked by a shark, but that’s no reason to not make like a Girl Scout and be prepared. So just in case, here are some tried-and-true ways to survive a shark attack.
Don’t be in the ocean
There have been staggeringly fewer reports of sharks attacking humans outside of the ocean. If you *are* planning a trip to the beach, be aware that you are better off not going into the water at all. No surfing, no swimming, and absolutely no lounging. Abstinence from entering is the only proven way to be 100% sure that you won’t ever be attacked by a shark.
Don’t even go near the ocean at all
Mere proximity to the ocean can be dangerous— you might be tempted to go in. The ocean’s blue depths and boundless allure might be enough to entice you. If you do surrender to the temptation and penetrate the water, you are heightening your chances of being viciously attacked by a shark and ruining the sacred gift that is your body.
Steer clear of all lakes, ponds and swimming pools
Of course, no sharks will be found in any public pool or freshwater lake, but swimming in these bodies of water will only encourage swimming in larger bodies of water. These are known gateway recreational facilities.
Remember, sharks only attack those who do not abstain–so in a way, if you do go in the ocean, you’re just asking for a shark to attack you. After all, once you’ve been attacked by shark, you can never take it back. Shark attacks are forever.
The only way to save yourself is to save yourself. From sharks.
Maggie Smith (@THEJudiDench) is a Chicago-based writer and improviser. She performs at ComedySportz, iO and The Annoyance.