Famously reliable news source the National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Ted Cruz has had at least five…
Dear City of Los Angeles,
Can we move in with you?
Before you say no, we have a lot to offer!
We have comedians and actors and writers. You like that stuff, right? We have fancy food! Even better, it’s fancy junk food. Trust us; you’re gonna love it. We have lots of art featuring cows…. and big shoulders…. and…..um….
Just take pity on us! Please! The Polar Vortex is coming back! It could be in the 50s next week. The 50s! IN JULY. We can’t take any more!!! Some of us went all winter without leaving our apartments. WE NEED THIS SUMMER. We have vitamin D deficiencies, and we let all of our friendships lapse, and we are so very, very sad. This winter, some of us put our heads in our ovens– while they were on– just to feel a little heat. It… um… it got weird out here, LA. Can we call you LA?
If you let us move our entire city into yours, we promise to be polite and say hello to strangers. It’s weird, but you’ll get used to it. We will try cutting our pizza into triangles instead of squares. We will bring our public transportation with us for you to use. It is overpriced and smelly, but unlike yours, it exists. We will actually come to see your improv shows, so that will be new for you. And we will bring so many amazing microbrews. We will be great city-mates. We promise.
Fair warning: after this long winter, a lot of us are pregnant. But who doesn’t like babies?
Please write back soon, overnight lows could reach the 40s by Tuesday. If that happens, I don’t know if we’ll make it to Wednesday. The ovens are calling out to us.
LLYASC (Love Ya Like a Sister City),
The City of Chicago