Dear Bro Shkreli,
Bro! How’s it bro-ing, bro? The bros are worried about you…
News from the Suburbs!!!
Ahoy there! Ken Dorothy here bringing you an update from that little bastion you folks in the big city all dream of living in — the ‘burbs! I know everyone can’t afford to make the move, settle down and live the dream in the suburbs, so that’s why I’m happy to be the messenger, and let you all know what to be jealous of out here!
Quick sidebar: has anyone seen my wife?
First off…yard sales, yard sales, yard sales! Sure, we’ve got a lot of them, but this weekend was particularly memorable in terms of the selection. The Chechesniks had quite the spread from Saturday to Sunday, showing off an unprecedented collection of neckties and work shoes! If you’re caught up in the hustle ‘n bustle of the 9-5 doldrums in the big city (or big “shitty” as I call it LOL), you don’t know what you’re missing out here! Speaking of which, I’m fairly certain my wife is missing, so if you have any news at all, shoot it my way!
Well summer’s almost here, but until it arrives, let’s pretend it’s here already! That won’t be hard to do with the opening of Sweet Dreams Frozen Yogurt. If you thought we had enough “fro yo” joints in the “hood” already, think again! This place let’s you mix and match flavors, add toppings, and then you WEIGH the contents at the end! What?! I loved it! Made me feel like a chef. Ken tip: try the peach passion and mix it with good old fashioned vanilla — made me weak in the knees! Also, it has now been one week since I last saw my wife. Not saying anything’s wrong, but she did not leave a note or a paper trail — hard not to suspect foul play at this point.
And if you think it’s too cold to barbecue, you are DEAD wrong. I won’t mention my wife here, but yes, that thought has crossed my mind. I’m hosting a “Go Away, Winter!” BBQ at my place this Friday afternoon, come rain or come snow! We’ll beat the cold with some hot dishes provided by yours truly. Feel free to eat inside or out! My family (minus Bobbi) will be entertaining until the wee hours of the morning…or 10 pm — whichever comes first! BYOB if you like, but we’ll have hot toddies going too! Yummmm! Yay!!!!
SHERMER COUNTY BAKE SALE
WHERE IS SHE REALLY!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS!!!!!! I’M FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS GOD JESUS. HELP ME FIND MY MISSING WIFE!!!!!
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the update. And thanks for reading.
See ya next time!
Suburban In Chief
John Hartman is a member of The Second City National Touring Company. He performs improv in Chicago at the iO Theater and with Baby Wants Candy at the Apollo Theater. He has written and performed two solo shows at The Annoyance Theatre, and has performed at the TBS Just for Laughs Festival in Chicago.