The Olympic Village in Rio is prepped and ready for a Mad Max -ian orgyland fueled by rampant sports and…
Even worse than Valentines’ Day, New Year’s Eve already brings about feelings of inadequacy and regret (see: failed resolutions) unrelated to being a lonely sad sack. But fear not! It’s (almost) 2014, girl! This is my– nope– YOUR year, the year I– nope– YOU find love!
But Julie, you’re thinking.
I’ve tried every year for the past 10 years to meet the love of my life in a serendipitous way on New Year’s Eve. How is this year going to be any different?
You have this guide: the single girl’s guide to navigating New Year’s Eve! Check out these dos and don’ts, and by 2015, I’LL– nope– YOU’LL be ringing it in with a ring on your hand.
Put on something fabulous to catch the eye of your future husband. You know, like male peacocks do. Except you’re a girl, girl!
Wear something that looks like a disco ball/shows your nipples/is otherwise upsetting.
Prepare for the hours after the ball drops before you party. That means shaving your legs, making your bed and eating a sensible dinner. Catch my drift? You gonna bone, girl.
Leave 5 o’clock shadow on your nethers, set that bag of Funyuns on your pillow or eat a cheeseburger and put on Spanx. Seriously. NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE OFF A LADY’S SPANX**.
Drink! Party! It’ll take the edge off!
Throw up. Or worse, cry. Keep it together, girl!
Scope out hotties! Be hawk-like in your movements: purposeful and stealth.
Engage anyone in a death stare or move your body unnaturally to get a peek. I said hawk, not owl.
Tell guys your resolution is to lose weight/get bangs/start showering. Hear me out! Emphasizing that you will turn into a completely different person over and over is assurance AND insurance that he might stick it out to meet Hot You.
Tell guys your resolution is to find love. Scary! Scarier than a woman looking to transform to meet Mr. Right. But that’s our little secret.
*God, I hope so.
Julie Marchiano is a graduate of The Conservatory and Writing Programs at The Second City Training Center and a two-time BoatCo alum (NCL Dawn, NCL Epic). She currently performs with Twisty: An Official House Ensemble of The Second City Training Center and all about town with people she loves. You can find out more about her at www.juliemarchiano.com.