Win Hanukkah with a tactful strategy: deploying the right gifts on the right nights.
That Bachelor producer guy on the plane versus “Diane.” The comedian versus the salsa company. If we got anything out of 2013, it was our not-a-moment-too-soon introduction to the public spectacle that is the Fake Twitter Fight, and we’re hoping 2014 escalates to all-out fake war.
Here are the 4 Fake Twitter Wars we can’t wait to fake-happen.
1. Crazy Fan vs. Sports Game (via Right Place, Right Time Bar Patron)
Oh man! It’s a good thing that this Bar Patron just happened to be at the bar within earshot of Crazy Fan last night! The kinds of things that Crazy Fan are yelling at the bar TV would be more than enough for someone to be cut off or politely asked to leave, but not at this unnamed bar! It’s a situation so perfect and easily identifiable that we are forever in Bar Patron’s debt for making it up.
@RtPlaceRtTyme: I can’t believe this is really actually totally happening right now. #CrazyBarGuy is throwing nachos at the TV.
@RtPlaceRtTyme: “The Packers are proof that white people have no place in professional sports!”–#CrazyBarGuy
@RtPlaceRtTyme: Remember my #PostOfficeLady livetweet from last Sunday? Get ready for #CrazyBarGuy.
2. Underdog Waitress vs. Cheap Local Mom
Everyone loves an underdog. We couldn’t have been more thrilled when a Waitress went up against a Local Mom of three over a tip-less lunch. Afterwords, the world came together and sent the Waitress over $3,000– since she was left without a tip! The Mom could not be reached for comment (or named/described/seen at all), but the money part is super real! Hopefully, the Waitress can use the cash to buy us all more Twitter fiction.
@FakeWaitress: This mom and her three kids won’t stop asking for more sides of #ranch.
@FakeWaitress: I think she saw me tweeting about her. ohshit you guys!
@FakeWaitress: OMG! OMG! She just spilled her whole plate on the ground while making eye contact with me. WHAT?!
@FakeWaitress: She told me the only tip I would be getting was to “find god”. LOLLOLLOL
3. Cher vs. Thin Air
This decade, Cher has waged Twitter War with just about everyone– Donald Trump, Amanda Bynes, Nick Minaj. There’s literally no one left to fight with. Maybe that’s why she started fighting with Thin(ternet) Air. She started a fight with a seemingly made up opponent… and something amazing happened. She won.
@cher: show urself
@cher: JSUT because the rest of TWTR acts like you are unreal I WONT STOP never have never will
@cher: the police are comng to YOUR HOUSE..Send me… your address IMMEDIATELY
@cher: bye4now… justice. FEEL FREe BE FREE
4. Kanye West vs. A Plant That Tripped Him
In typical all-caps fashion, Kanye was quick to lash out at a ficus that got in his way before an interview. What no one expected was that the ficus had a Twitter presence (we later found out it wasn’t a real plant– the account was run by an up-and-coming stand-up comedian the whole time! Who knew? Not Kanye!).
@kanyewenst: MOSES HAD PROBLEMS WITH A BURNING BUSH. I GOT THIS MOTHAFICUS STARTING IT UP. jesus wept
@mothaficus: All I did was exist. Leaf me alone.
@kanyewest: I PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE EVERYDAY FOR PEOPLE. I CAN’T START DOING IT FOR A PLANT!