Greetings from 2019! St. Patty’s Day here in Chicago is the craziest it’s ever been!
Think you got game? Think again.
Here are 9 super-secret gamer achievements you may have missed while trying to 100% your favorite video games.
[WARNING! SPOILERS ALERT!]
25G “Creepy Dad” You spent 50% of the game pointing the reticle at your daughter’s boobs. Gross.
Injustice: Gods Among Us
15G “Wait, For Real?” You actually paid $4.99 to play as Lobo, which, if nothing else, makes a strong case for visible progress in our nation’s economic recovery.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
20G “Do You Not Have Anywhere to Be…Or…?” Waited through 15 full hours of loading screens, only to be rewarded with a frame rate that makes playing EA Sports games online look like smooth sailing.
Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch
15G “How Old Are You?” Seriously, how old are you? Because if you’re older than twelve, I’m a little creeped out by how much you’re playing this game. Maybe take a break. Please stay away from children.
The Last of Us
10G “Sorry, Kid” Accidentally shot at Ellie twenty times. In your defense, she could turn infected at any time. Also, it was dark. Also, standing out in the open and trying to engage you in conversation next to that bloater probably should have done her in anyway.
The Smurfs 2
15G “Flush That Cash” You bought this game AND saw the movie. Proceed to toilet, insert wallet, and flush. You no longer deserve to have a dollar to your name.
Assassin’s Creed 3
30G “Homie Don’t Play” Instead of trying to win at completely impossible and rigged games like Bowls and Nine Man’s Morris, you instead killed the other computer-controlled player and robbed them. Which is essentially what playing these mini-games was doing to your soul and bank account anyway.
NCAA Football 14
30G “Please Don’t Do That” Within seconds, you downloaded a roster that contained the names and updated likenesses of every collegiate player featured in the game. Please, try to keep this quiet. It’s way easier to just say the whole game is a coincidence and not pay the players any money– and also to penalize their programs when they do get caught taking money. Wait, who are the bad guys here?
Super Mario Bros. 3
100G “That’s Better” Screw all those new games, man. That flying raccoon suit was as good as it gets.
Daniel Strauss is an alum of the Second City touring company and performs at various theaters in the Chicago area. He also makes fun videos about video games that can be found at gamebroswebseries.com. Daniel is on Twitter @danielstrauss.