To Whom It May Concern I am an American citizen and Republican primary voter planning to attend my National Convention…
It’s that time of year again! When folks freak out over a little virus and myths start running rampant. Stop freaking the fuck out! Unless, of course, you are elderly. In that case, it was nice knowing you.
FACT or FICTION: THE FLU
1) The Walgreens’ flu vaccine is just as good as the name brand: Fiction. The hard truth is their vaccine is the medical equivalent of mixing NyQuil with egg whites and warm Sprite. Honestly, you’re better off heading to your local Christian Science Reading Room and asking for an anti-virus prayer/spell book.
2) Betty White has succumbed to the flu: Fact. Don’t get caught up in all the buzz about her 91st birthday. Sadly, Betty White died of the flu last winter. It was all very hush hush. But certain Washington circles have invested millions in an elaborate scheme co-funded by TVLand, to keep Ms. White ‘alive’ in the minds of the American public. This of course explain’s ‘Betty White’s Off their Rockers’ . Think geriatric Tupac hologram.
3) Circumcision reduces the risk of transmission of the flu virus: Fiction. You’re thinking of HIV.
4) Getting the flu is a good thing: Fact. Okay, think about it. Chances are you hate your job and/or your life, right? Well, one little bout of the flu and you get a guilt free vacation from work, where you get to pump your body full of drugs and burn through your Netflix queue. Embrace your weakness! Enjoy the Flu!