Make Summer Fun Literally Anywhere

Hey, take a look out your window—see those kids playing outside? What a bunch of dicks, right? You’re stuck inside with all these complicated adult responsibilities, while they get to frolic and enjoy every last drop of summer. But we know something they don’t. Summer’s not out there; it’s in here (you can’t see it, but I’m pointing at my brain convincingly).

Enjoy your summer any way you can, because let’s face it, #YOLO. (You’re Old & Lonely Outside).

Summer-ize Your Office

More like trapped in a paid vacation! Turn the brightness up on your out-of-date computer monitor. Lean in, and work on that “low on the corporate ladder” tan. Hey, you’ve seen ‘The Shawshank Redemption,’ right? Start sneaking in dirt and sand from the parking lot Andy-style, and your next meeting in the boardroom is a beach party!

Summer-ize Your Living Room

If you’re recovering from serious knee surgery and are stuck indoors, ask yourself if you want a single or a double piña colada—because you’re staying at your own private all-inclusive resort, pal! Inside your own home, you get all of the relaxation with none of the unpleasant summer surprises. No sudden rain or temperature spikes, no ants to sneak up on your picnics, and the lack of bees, wow! Finally, you can hobble around the room with a sweet beverage and sting-able skin exposed without any risk of anaphylactic shock. Living the dream! 

Summer-ize Your Dental Appointment

Your mouth’s open while your old, sweaty dentist is hands-deep in your mouth, drilling away. But close your eyes for a second – is that a drill? Or the high-pitched hum of mosquitoes on Day 3 of your camping adventure? You can feel that bright, surgical-quality sun shining down on you, and you’re so numb from smiling that you can’t feel your face. Or move your mouth. Or swallow, even! Now that’s summertime.

Summer-ize Your Drawn-Out Divorce

Divorce proceedings might sound like a summer-killer on paper, but you’ve got to look at the sunny side of tearing the last 19 years of your life apart. If you think you about it, your soon-to-be ex is a lot like the sun: they can be nurturing and warm from a safe distance, but if you get too close for too long, you’ll explode in flames and die horribly in space. So relax and enjoy basking in the golden glow of your marital entropy, hurling insults around like you’re playing a mean game of “Fr-olf”! Hope you lathered up with a thick layer of prenup, though, or else you might blister over with and nasty oh-god-I’ve-lost-everything burn.  

Summer-ize Your Grandma’s Funeral

We all loved Nana. 95 years is a long time to live in this world, and nothing can ever truly replace her…except for a bucket of Coronas and a nacho platter! Nothing fills the hole left by grief like an awesome spread of summer apps. If you contact the funeral parlor ahead of time, you can probably get some death-appropriate black Adirondack chairs put in, and before you know it, you’ll have a full blown cottage-themed Irish-wake on your hands! Chug. It’s what Nana would have wanted.

Summer-ize Your Stuck-In-Glue Situation

One minute, you’re debating whether to do Lollapalooza finally or see something local, and the next, you’re trapped in an unreasonably large pile of glue. Toss in some of those aggressive bees from earlier, and it can be a real epi-pen challenge to summer fun. But hey, it happens (somehow). That’s why I always wear a non-floral sun hat. Suddenly, it’s all “hey, nice summer hat” compliments, and people barely even notice the huge glue pile. Surf’s up!

Trump-erize Your Summer

You’re Donald Trump for the summer? Um, well, you could climb the wall you’re building, or, uh… hiking with...um... hate speech...good luck!

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City’s Conservatory and longform programs. He’s also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut “Everything is Fine,” as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners “El Fantoma.”