Dear Poor and Indigent of Brazil I write you this letter from a position of great concern upon my Novus…
In most of the Midwest, if you want to lose weight quick, you can chop off a hand in a farming accident. Chicagoans don’t have it that easy. We have to work for what we’ve got, honey. The Taste of Chicago is finally here, and it’s the perfect time to lose those unwanted pounds. Losing weight can be fun and simple, and we’ll show you how.
Eat a Chicago-Style Hot Dog
Before you head over to the festival, stop at a downtown vendor to grab a Chicago-style hot dog to cleanse your palate for the big event. It’s been a tourist secret for years, but now it’s time for true Chicagoans to take advantage. Once you eat that glorious encased meat with all the toppings, you’ll start losing weight roughly 2 hours later. Then you’ll continue to lose weight for the next 36 hours. Go ahead, take that vacation you’ve always wanted by sleeping on the bathroom floor. You earned it.
Nothing helps you shed unwanted pounds like getting separated from your group at a festival. All you have to do is allow your phone to die, lose your wallet, drop your poutine burger on the ground, and then try to find your friends. It’s that simple, guys. Vendors will start to look the same and you’ll realize you passed the Taco Joint three times already. You’ll spend so many hours wandering that the sun may even begin to set. This is how you’ll know it’s working. With all of the fear of abandonment and worry about finding your ride home before they leave, you won’t even notice the pounds disappearing. By the time you find your friends, they won’t even recognize you and your newly toned bod!!
Attend a Concert
Taste of Chicago has an incredible lineup of a wide variety of musicians this year. At any of these concerts, you can expect to stand in the sun for two hours-plus with no shade. Use this to your advantage. This is a good time to start sweating and thinking about how lucky you are to be seeing your favorite artist live. The tears will start. Let them–did you know that a full-body cry burns more calories than electroshock therapy? Between the sweat and tears, you will be losing water weight crazy-fast! Not a lot of people know this, but the human body is 60% water. If you work hard enough, you could lose over sixty pounds in less than two hours! Music is power, people.
Find The “Healthier” Options
Finding low fat options has never been easier, thanks to our friends at Humana. They are offering healthier food choices such as corn on the cob, Celtic corn on the cob, roasted corn on the cob, and, of course, a turkey leg. We know what you’re thinking, and yes, these options WOULD BE perfect for a festival-wide food fight. This is exactly how everyone loses weight in L.A., and Chicago is next in line! The harder you sling food, the better your arms look. For extra arm tone, you could even pick up a child and use them as a shield.
At the Taste– the opportunities are endless.
Alan Linic is an alum of The Second City Training Center’s House Ensembles and a Conservatory graduate. Claire Meyer is currently a member of Next, an official Second City Training Center House Ensemble. You can follow their fights on Twitter@WeFoughtAbout.