Live 2015 Like A Toddler

It's a proven fact that toddlers suffer from less heart attacks, lower blood pressure and fewer stress-related illnesses than adults do. They are obviously doing something right.

So here are your New Year's Resolutions based on observing my 3 year old nephew, Bodhan. This year, make sure you resolve to:

Play more “Battle the Chair” and “Spin Party”

Battle the Chair is where you spin the La-Z-Boy as fast as you can, jump on, and punch it until it stops spinning. Spin Party is very similar but I believe there is less punching. That’s it. We played this for like, an hour and you know what? It was fucking fun.

Resolve to enjoy yourself with what you have, where you are.

Call Everyone Nicknames Vaguely Based On Their Real Name

Toddlers do it because they don't have the ability to say full names yet. You should do it because it makes people feel special and adults calling other adults "Bwyan" and “Nananda" would make the monotony of your work day a little more bearable.

Play Through the Pee

Get so engrossed in what you are doing that you’d rather piss yourself than miss one second of it. If you're dating someone new the biggest compliment you can give them is to wet yourself. It shows commitment above even their own body functions. It also prepares you for old age.

Hug Your Siblings Until They Hit You

Family gatherings can be CRAZY awkward. You can waste a lot of time hoping that alcohol or time will break the ice or just go in for a weird, endless hug and get it out of the way.

See Dog Kiss, Try Dog Kiss

If something looks fun, try it. Especially if it involves licking people. Basically you should live life like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. Because if I learned anything from that movie it's that everyone will want to date you if you just do everything you see without thinking about it. Bu-uddy.

Quit Taking No For An Answer

When mom told Bo he couldn’t have a piece of candy did he quit? No. He asked dad then aunt,uncle, grandpa, grandma- at some point along the way someone is going to give that kid candy. Get dat candy.

Get Naked A Lot. Like, As Much As You Can

Kids have no body shame and neither should you. Nudity also freaks people out in public bathrooms. So it's a win-win.

Cry Really Hard For 1 Minute When Someone Leaves Then Forget They Ever Existed

I spent three weeks crying about someone who was in my life for three months. What did I miss while I was crying? I have no fucking idea I was alone in a room quietlycryingandfeelingworthlessohgodwhyee. In contrast, when Bo's mom leaves he wails. Then he looks around, finds who's there and asks if they want to play Legos. And honestly he probably has MORE fun, cuz mom doesn't even like Legos.

Be Passionately Obsessed With One Thing

STARWARSSTARWARSSTARWARSSTARWARSSTARWARSSPIDERMAN.

It can open up a lot of doors especially if you can find ‘obsession-themed’ clothing. If nothing else you can talk to your barista about it. I think they’re paid to listen between lattes.

Announce Your Poops

Not literally, but there are so many natural things we are conditioned to feel bad/embarrassed/disgusting about. Choose instead to be proud. Women bleed, people shit, body hair is a thing. Confidence is attractive; complete confidence is irresistible. Loud poop = confidence.

Sand in My Pants!!!

My niece and nephew were playing in the sandbox they got for Christmas when my niece managed to pour sand down my nephew’s pants. I saw the expression of anger and confusion on his face turn to pure joy within a span of three seconds as he danced around shaking his booty and singing “Sand in my pants! Sand in my pants!”

Someone is always going to throw sand in your pants, might as well dance around.

Or, you can make your list like an actual toddler: