El Niño–the wayward drunk cousin of weather patterns–is upon us, unleashing worldwide environmental devastation…
by Jessica Sanders, age 11 ½ (as dictated to Kristina Felske, age 24 5/6)
Sometimes it’s hard to be chill/nice/fun when your BFF is the coolest in school. It is v impotent to try to be more like your cool friend, especially with National Women’s Friendship Day coming up this Sunday. You might have the nose of a Belly Gem Troll doll, but soon maybe you can have a nose like Margaret Forrester* (my best friend)!
Want to know how to be just like your very best friend? Here’s how, in 10 easy steps.
1. Remember: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
This is really impotent to remember since some people might think you are a copycat and call you names like “copycat” or “copier” or “chameleon” if they take Science 2. If your best friend is not this kind of person, then you will be ok– but if not, then make sure you cover up your true intentions. Just remember that if you get caught, make sure she knows that you only bought the same skate shoes as her because they made her calves look smaller, and you wanted your calves to look smaller, too, and you only got the same color because the Journeys at Bayshore only had purple left. You didn’t have a choice!
2. Write down things she does & try to do them, too.
This is the easiest way to be like your best friend. Keep a notebook and pen handy and write down characteristics and mannerisms that give her that cool girl essence. For example, in my Margaret notebook, I wrote, “Chews on pencil erasers and gets pink stuff in her braces.” Now when I finally get braces, I know that leaving pink eraser chunks in my braces is the coolest and most impotent way to get noticed as a star popular girl.
3. Be really, really chill/nice/fun.
If you act like an idiot and like you really want to be friends with someone, you will NOT be. My mom once said that teenage girls are like sharks and they can sense blood in the water, and even though she was talking about my period, that seems to make sense here. If you don’t act like you’re really chill/nice/fun, then no one is going to want to hang out with you. You’re going to seem like you’re trying too hard if you don’t relax, and Margaret usually writes a mean Gchat “away” message about you if you do that.
4. Stay in touch with her.
Texting, phone calls, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Foursquare, MySpace, Spotify, MyFitnessPal, Carrier Pigeon (the app), carrier pigeon (the animal), postcards, and sometimes face-to-face. You may talk to someone a lot for a little while, but it is so impotent to remember that if you don’t keep it up, she will forget you and you will forget how to be her. Also, make sure to use a lot of emojis because it proves that you are chill/nice/fun.
5. Remember where she buys her clothes.
When you like something Margaret wears, remember to write it down in your notebook so you can go there later. NEVER buy something in the same color (only break this if they’re the skater shoes in #1 because that was so not your fault) and make sure to always buy one size up. You can’t make your cool best friend think you think you’re smaller (and thus cuter) than she is. THIS IS VERY IMPOTENT!!!!
6. Find common interests.
This is just a tip for making friends in general, but make sure to do your research before you decide to be friends with a really cool best friend. You can do this by looking at her online sites, like the ones I mentioned above, or by sneaking a peek at her locker décor. If she has a bunch of Justin Timberlake pictures, it might be chill/nice/fun to check out some of his music on Spotify and make her a playlist called “REALLY GOOD JT SONGZ J.” That’s how Margaret and I started talking more and she has become really impotent to me!
7. Don’t be yourself.
We’re told all the time to be unique and to just be ourselves, even by people who don’t seem that way. For example, the whole point of my favorite movie Camp Rock is to be yourself no matter what, but it was only when Mitchie pretended to be someone else that she got to hang out with a Jonas brother (the CUTE one!). When she came clean later, he was clearly in too deep of love to change his mind. The point is, start your friendship by acting like your new cool friend, and then you can slowly be yourself. Once you’ve convinced her to be your friend, she probably won’t care if you eat a kernel of popcorn out of your training bra. Or maybe you’ll get so good at being just like Margaret that you won’t even do those dumb baby things anymore.
8. Always eat salad.
Really cool best friends always skip the chips and down the salad, especially when boys are watching. You don’t want to be caught with a ham and cheese sandwich when Brandon Vanderman finally sits next to you… you want something cut into tiny pieces so it’s easier to eat and smother in ranch dressing. This is very impotent, because Margaret let me know that even though sometimes boys like girls who like ham and cheese, most of them think ham is cheap meat for poor people. Margaret is always looking out for me, and that is why we are best friends.
9. Always compliment her.
This might be the most impotent tip!!!! If you don’t tell her that her new jean skort is wicked chill, then she might not want you to sit by her in P.E. or lend you any gum even though you KNOW she has that Trident Key Lime flavor!!!!!! Make sure to always tell your cool best friend to HAGS, that you LYLAS, that you’re BFFLs or BFFs depending on the last “F” word, and that you genuinely GET HER (not an acronym).
10. Enjoy your cool, chill time together.
This is the best it’s going to get.
* Margaret’s name has been changed because if she finds out I wrote this I will die.
Kristina Felske is a writer, actor, and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.