There’s no better way to tap into the emotion of the Olympic Games than with a rousing contrived speech at…
Amidst the escalating “Is the world flat? Or not?” debate being held between ATL rapper B.o.B. and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, I managed to find time to sit down with the Flat Earth Truther and discuss his beliefs.
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Greg Komorowski: Hello, B.o.B. Thanks for….
B.o.B.: See, there you go with the “hello” brain-washed, robot talk. Hello, goodbye—it’s all the same lie we’re being sold by the politeness PROPERattzi. I don’t care if you’re coming or going, and neither should you. So I just say “aloha.”
GK: Alright. Well, aloha. B.o.B. Thanks for finding the time to….
B.o.B.: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Finding time? HA! Don’t even get me started on the this man-made construct of time meant to enslave our minds and have us all go blind to the fact that there is no beginning or end. It’s just the a-dimming and a-shimmering blend of the sun going around our flat Earth, my friend.
GK: Wow, great! Yes, let’s get to the point. You and Neil deGrasse Tyson have had a debate about whether or not the world is truly round…
B.o.B.: Look, man. The facts don’t lie: the world is flat, just like the world is 5,000 years old. Just like those archeological locos buried all those dinosaur bones. Just like how the Black Death never existed.
GK: That’s a lot, B.o.B. I’m sorry, but are you saying the plague never happened?
B.o.B.: One of the greatest lies in history is that 50 million Europeans were killed by rodent carriers of a virus due to a lack of proper sanitation and hygiene. It has just allowed us to be a world of European sympathizers. Guess where the best Swiss banks in the world are located? The best French wines? The best Italian pizza? All in Europe, man.
GK: But the history of the plague is well documented. It’s an historical fact. It’s not theoretical, like astrophysics. Although, there have been pictures taken from space to prove the existence of a round Earth…
B.o.B.: We all know the victor gets to write the history books, and I think we all know who came out of Medieval Europe on top: scientists! They’re the ones who killed everyone. The wizards and apothecaries, man. Copernicus may have postulated a heliocentric system, but he was also a NINJA! And right now, Neil deGrasse Tyson is out to get me. Why do you think my lyrics say he’s got to “loosen up his vest”? So everyone can see the guns he’s got under it! Those scientists are mental assassins, and literal ones, too! Now, as for those space pictures, open your eyes! Those NASA pictures were all taken by a government agency run by the Department of Defense. The only thing they’re defending? Their LIES!
GK: Actually, NASA is an independent agency that reports directly to the White House. Also, European, Chinese and, most recently, Japanese space agencies have all returned photographs of our round planet.
B.o.B.: Your planet, not mine. Here’s the thing. We live in a world where fact is what you want it to be. I can look up a theory I ascribe to on the Internet, find an unsubstantiated article and tweet it. Once it’s tweeted, it gets re-tweeted and reread. It’s only a matter of time before it becomes fact—because as we all know, once you repeat something enough, it becomes the truth. Also, I have a new album coming out, and this helps get people talking about B.o.B..
GK: I have to say, B.o.B., that’s the first thing I’ve agreed with you on. Judging by your line of reasoning, I have to assume that you’ll be voting for Donald Trump.
B.o.B.: Pffffft. No way, man. That [expletive redacted] is CRAZY!
Greg Komorowski is a Toronto born and raised performer currently residing in Chicago. He worked with Second City at Sea for over 5 years and teaches at The Second City Training Centre. Greg is also the host of “Chef In Your Ear” on The Food Network Canada.