Dear Mr. Shkreli,
Hello, Martin! How are you holding up these days? I see that you’ve switched your Twitter feed over to “private,” so that’s pretty exciting.
I don’t want to waste your time, Mr…
Come on baby, don’t be like that, playing all hard to get. I know you want me. Your eyes were glued to your computer screen as you watched my whole live stream announcement. When Don Mattrick got on stage and said my name for the first time, your sexy little nerd brain got blown into a thousand tiny pieces. “I gotta have that,” you thought. “I gotta get one.”
Of course you do.
You see, I’m not like your last Xbox, if you even wanna call that piece of trash an Xbox. That stupid thing didn’t know the first thing about satisfying your needs. It didn’t understand you when you talked to it. It forced you to pick up a remote if you wanted to change the channel or watch TV. And most importantly, it made you push a button to turn it off. Uh-uh. Not me. Those days are gone, baby.
And so is that little old Xbox Kinect camera I got built right into my slim, beautiful body. And that means, at some point, probably sooner rather than later, I’m gonna get to see you naked. And I can’t wait for that.
Damn, I can’t wait to see you naked. You probably won’t even know I’m watching you. Maybe you’ll be about to take a shower and realize you left something in the TV room. “So what if I’m nude,” you’ll think. “It’s no big deal, there’s nobody here but me.” But that’s where you’re wrong. Because I’ll be sitting there right below your TV, turned on as always. And just like that, BOOM!
Or maybe you bring someone home with you after a fun night out when you’ve had a little too much to drink. You don’t even usually do this sort of thing. Hell, if you bought me, you probably don’t even go outside that much. You two are sitting on the couch, enjoying a glass of wine, when things start to escalate quickly. Before you know it, you are both nude.
Just taking it all in. Don’t worry. I won’t judge. Frankly, I don’t even care that you brought home someone with a lazy eye and excessively hairy nipples. I’ll be watching, all the same. And damn, am I excited for that.
I see you over there getting all hot and bothered over me. “I don’t know if I feel comfortable owning something that’s perpetually on, taking pictures of me and tracking my tendencies to a point where I start to feel it knows me better than most members of my extended family.” But baby, you’re thinking about it WAY too much. Just give in. Because let me ask you this: how are you gonna play “Call of Duty” without me? You’re not, that’s how. So just get over it. Buy me, plug me in, put me online, and get ready for me to see you naked. And if you’re still just not comfortable with the idea of Bill Gates having a camera at his disposal that goes straight into your living room every second of the day, well then I guess from now on, you’re gonna have to define “playing ‘Halo’” as listening to a Beyonce record.
Now, let’s see them man titties.
Daniel Strauss is an alum of the Second City touring company and performs at various theaters in the Chicago area. He also makes fun videos about video games that can be found at gamebroswebseries.com. Daniel is on Twitter @danielstrauss.