Breaking it down so even the “I’m Not Racist, I Have A Black Friend” white person can understand.
It’s October, which means the smell of pumpkin spice is in the air, and it’s time for the MLB playoffs! It also means it’s been months since the Chicago Cubs were relevant.
What’s a die-hard fan to do?
Jump On the Nearest Bandwagon
Openly Mock White Sox Fans
After all, their team lost 99 games this year. That’s three more than the Cubs! Don’t be surprised if this backfires when you are clobbered over the head by an extra-pointy replica of the 2005 World Series trophy.
Become a Pirates Fan
The Pirates haven’t been good since most of you were born. Pittsburgh is a rust-belt town with a loyal fan base. There’s so much to identify with here. It’s a lot like Chicago, except they put fries on their sandwiches. Sandwiches with fries are delicious! GO SANDWICHES!
Sit Around and Blame Dale Sveum
Hey, it worked for management, so why not give it a try?
Take Solace in the Fact that the Yankees Didn’t Make It
Then realize Alfonso Soriano and his bloated contract helped sink two major league teams in one year. Then realize he could buy a small country. Then cry. Tears will wash away the memories.
Sign the “Keep Old Style in Wrigley” Petition
Sure, it’s shitty beer, but it’s our shitty beer. Forget Obamacare and Syria, THIS is the most important political issue of our time.
Study the 40-Man Roster
If you can name the Cubs starting lineup right now, you’re in good shape. Learn the backstories of Brian Bogusevic, Chang-Yong Lim, Mike Olt and Trey McNutt so you can impress everyone at the ballpark next year by dropping knowledge like: “Chang-Yong Lim is 37 years old, has never thrown an MLB pitch and has had two Tommy John surgeries…GO CUBS!”
Pray to a New God
If you’re a Cubs fan, your deity hasn’t been listening…so try a new higher power. At this point, maybe a blood sacrifice is in order.
Break a 12-Year-Old’s Arm
When it heals, he just might be able to throw a 103- mile an hour fastball and lead the Cubs to post-season glory in a few years! When you end up in a state psychiatric prison, you can lead a riot yelling, “We just want to watch the Damn World Series!” with your new best friend, a large, silent Native American. Who just yells with his eyes.
Devote Your Energy to Shutting Down the Federal Government…
…In order to get the Cubs into the playoffs retroactively. Think about it. It makes sense.
Read a Book
Maybe you’ll learn an abstract concept, like that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Scott Goldstein is a 3rd generation Cubs season ticket holder and a former Director for the Second City Touring Company. When not drowning his sorrows in (shitty) Old Style, he can be found directing, teaching and performing all over Chicago. Follow him on Twitter @GoldyHawks.