Stop playing Pokémon Go for one second and listen to me.
It’s time to celebrate the sunshine and warmer weather by staying inside and playing with yourself. May is National Masturbation Month, so here are some creative ways to get festive and throw a party for one!
Put Some Fruit in Your Looms
Farmer’s markets are back in full swing, so stock up on fresh produce that you can objectify. Whether you want to carve a hole in a watermelon or warm a banana peel in the microwave, your only limitations are your own imagination and monthly grocery budget.
Let Santa’s Secret Out of the Bag
Just ‘cause Christmas is in July doesn’t mean you can’t have a Secret Santa in May. Whip up a Facebook event and invite your friends over for a little sex toy swap*.
*New sex toys are ideal, but if you must re-gift, think about running them through the dishwasher first.
Do It Yourself: Homemade Lube Bill Cosby Can Get Behind
- 1 cup water
- 1 cup baby oil
- 1 packet Jell-O (any flavor)
Toss ingredients into a blender, then go to town (with the lube, NOT the blender).
Get Naughty in Nature
Are you down with OPPs, but not STDs? Have a really hot friend that maybe has warts or herpes or something? Now’s the time to throw caution to the wind. Get drunk, get awkward, get outside and get to masturbating with them. No harm. No foul. No clinic visit needed.
Do the Reverse Seinfeld “Contest”
Make a pact with your friends. The person who cums the most by midnight on May 31st wins! (Entry fee is $100 for men, $150 for women.)
Phone a Friend
Just because you’re playing with yourself doesn’t mean you can’t still be social. Phone sex, sexting, Cam2Cam, circle jerks and Ookie Cookie are all ways to involve some of your nearest and dearest.
Make Mom’s Mother’s Day
It’s no coincidence that Mother’s Day falls right smack-dab in the middle of Masturbation Month! They need self loving just like the rest of us. Forego the seemingly obligatory brunch, and give Mother the afternoon to herself. We don’t want her thinking you forgot, so definitely get her a card that says something like, “Today, I want you to remember where I came from!”
Have a David Carradine Movie Marathon
Take a few hours out to remember those we’ve lost to masturbation. Thanks to Netflix, you can sit back, relax, maybe touch yourself a little bit, and watch some of David Carradine’s many classics, like Children of the Corn V, Lone Wolf McQuade or Kill Zone.
Tim Paul (@thatguytimpaul) has written and performed in shorts featured on such sites as Huffingtonpost.com, Gay.com, Queerty.com, Joemygod.blogspot.com & Towleroad.com. He is on the teaching faculty at both Second CIty & The Annoyance, but is probably most recognized for wearing an ugly Christmas sweater in a USPS commercial. thatguytimpaul.com