How to Be a White Terrorist

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. White people can’t be terrorists, you moron.

If you pay attention to media, they make this exceedingly clear. Only Muslims can be “terrorists.” Only black people can be “thugs.” And white people? They can only be “CEOs” or “about a 17 handicap.”

This makes it near impossible for a poor white lad on the end of the bench to be put in the terrorist game and make the game-winning IED. So, how DOES a white person get to be a terrorist--if every act of terrorism they commit can be neatly explained away as “mental illness” or “a reaction to anti-depressants” or “the right thing to do based on the Iraqi intelligence we had in 2003”?

Be Not White

Go to your local Walgreen's, purchase the Rachel Dolezal Bronzer #5, and tell everyone you're anything but white for, like, a decade. Then bomb something that will cost a lot to rebuild and make Northrupp Grumman’s stocks BOOM. This still probably won't work, since white people are all innocent lambs and can never, ever commit terrorism because they’re always on the golf course or angrily blogging about Game of Thrones.

Even when white people try their very hardest, like killing nine innocent people in a brutal, planned, highly-political massacre, they still get treated to Burger King like they just graduated the fuck out of 7th grade.

Be Muslim

Fun fact: The Tsarnaev brothers were actually the whitest you can get! They were from Caucasus region of Russia, which is where we get the handy dandy word “Caucasian.” And they were labelled as terrorists! But! They were also kinda swarthy in complexion and definitely Muslim, which immediately cancels out any and all whiteness.

Oh, Deirdre, you’re Muslim? Well, sorry, you don’t get the special white discount at Kohl’s, then. Also, I’m moving out of your neighborhood and into a former immigrant neighborhood that the gays already made nice for us.

Also, the Tsarnaev brothers did something that gave the militarized police an excuse to enact martial law and use all their cool new military MRAPs and toys, which brings us to…

Be Sexually Arousing To Donald Rumsfeld

Donald Rumsfeld needs to get a mad boner for you if  want to be called a terrorist. In fact, if Donald, Dick Cheney and the current CEO of Halliburton are not fapping themselves with the blood of Middle Eastern children under the table at a defense contractor board of directors meeting, then the violence you committed won’t be considered terrorism.

Let’s actually look at the dictionary definition of terrorist:

ter-ror-ist / tera-rizt

the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims that provides huge economic opportunities for defense contractors and private military services ka-ching, ka-ching, Scrooge McDuck dive into pool.

In other words, attacking people in a church is not going to make the war machine any money. Destroying large swaths of Iraq and Syria will, however--which is why Bill Kristol’s XTube account consists entirely of ISIS beheading videos and pictures of ancient ruins being destroyed. And humiliation BDSM (I’m assuming).

Be Steve Doocy…

If all else fails.

 John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is a Chicago writer and performer. Find out more about him and his upcoming Web series “Sheryl, Still Single” at johnlooscomedy.com.