Now that all the sequined tanks, maxi dresses and square-print shorts have finally been pulled off my control panel, it’s time for me to don some of the hottest turtlenecks, cardigans and fringe-front pullovers of the season…
With tons of baseball games and Fourth of July right around the corner, the national anthem is bound to be the song of the summer. Which means you’ll need to put your right hand over your heart a lot. Unfortunately, my heart is right under my boob.
It’s like this, guys: Imagine if your heart was behind your dick. That would make things so weird for a variety of reasons, but mostly during the national anthem. So, here are some ways to ease the inevitable brush with breast during our country’s theme song:
I wish it was “Put your right hand over your brain,” but I didn’t make the rules. George Washington did. This move gets your hand pretty close to your heart. The downside? It doesn’t truly go over your heart. Because unless your rack is naturally stacked real high, your heart is directly under your boob.
This maneuver is less popular but gets your hand just as close to your heart as going over would, while still avoiding the actual boob. Again, this gets your hand aaaalmost all the way over your heart but not 100%. Not ideal, but that’s just how my body is built.
Go Over AND Under
This is against National Anthem rules, but sometimes it’s your only option to avoid that uncomfortable moment where everyone can plainly see you groping yourself in front of our nation’s flag. Place your right and left hand above and below your heart, avoiding the boob altogether while still maintaining an approximately close distance.
I love grabbing my boobs. You know how men say “If I had boobs I’d be touching them all the time?” It’s true. I touch my boobs constantly. Every chance I get. It is very fun having boobs. That being said, the National Anthem is for reflecting upon the love of our country, not a time for me to honk my gals. The hover is less fun for you, but much more respectful.
Use a Pillow as a Buffer
This works really well but the only downside is that you have to carry around a pillow all the time. Make sure the pillow is big enough to create significant space in between your hand skin and your boob.
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