Can we call a Zack Morris time out The Saved by the Bell -themed pop-up diner opened its doors in…
Welcome to the Space Historical Record: Winter 2014.
Please ensure your data enhancement implant is tuned to frequency 22.4 for video, 64.3 for optimal smell and confirm that you have the newest version of Java.
At the time, the Winter of 2014 was considered one of the worst on record, leading modern-day historians to believe that the inhabitants of 2014 didn’t have access to records. There were, of course, much worse winters before that year, some only 20 years earlier, and many much worse that came after.
Most notably, Winter 2014 is remembered for impeding inhabitants’ ability to consume brunch.
circa 2014: Any meal consumed on Sunday
circa 2110: The capital city of New Williamsburg
Space Historians have compiled a list of considerably worse winters following the winter of 2014:
President Bill Pullman declares a state of emergency in the Southern United States when a crate of powdered sugar falls off the back of a truck, halting traffic for 22 hours straight.
Skynet becomes self-aware and has a brief-but-beautiful romantic relationship with Joaquin Phoenix, then launches entire nuclear arsenal after a messy breakup.
Nuclear Winter 2030
The City of Chicago is hit by another Polar Vortex. The vortex tears a hole into The Phantom Zone, where ghostwind chills reach -100°. Chicago Public Schools remain open.
The New Jamaican bobsled team win the hearts of spectators at The Mexico City Winter Olympics. They are presented with said hearts at the closing ceremony.
Earth is shrouded in a warm light that touches all things and leaves no shadows. Humans, vulnerable and exposed, truly see each other for the first time and understand that all are truly equal. Something weird flies into everyone’s ears.
Winter of 2058
Neurocicadas finish their gestational period inside the human brain and fly away en masse. Humans are left naked and confused.
The bodies of Muggsy Bogues, Michael Jordan, Larry Johnson, Patrick Ewing, Shawn Bradley and Charles Barkley are re-animated to battle the Mon-Stars in a curling match that decides the fate of the human race. Spectators agree it’s pretty entertaining, but no Space Jam 2.
Vulcans make first contact with Earth… but cannot find a parking spot that isn’t claimed by a lawn chair. They head south and contact a warmer planet with a driveway that shovels itself, because it’s the future.
Of course, since the great and benevolent Vigo has risen to power and winter is now prohibited under Article 57 of International Council Law, the days of bundling up, shoveling snow, and death races are now behind us.
Thank you for listening/seeing/feeling/smelling this article on the Great Winter of 2014. For more articles on The Age of Camera Phones, please think really hard.