by Michael Phelps, 20-time Olympic Gold Medal Champion
It’s that time of year again–when the crisp fall days turn short and become tinged with suicidal ideation. If you’re a single woman in her early 30s contemplating the meaningless of her existence, fall is the perfect time to experiment with fun scarves, cozy decor, and doing traditional family activities alone!
Here are ten ways to appear to enjoy autumn:
- Take friends to a corn maze. That way, you won’t be the only adult you know who’s lost.
- Wear a knit hat. Try to forget how much fuller your sister’s hair is than yours.
- The leaves are dying and falling. Find someone who is your age, but can somehow afford to own a home, and offer to rake their leaves! For fun!
- Carve your ex’s face into a pumpkin. Destroy the pumpkin. Write a poem.
- Instagram a selfie of yourself apple picking. Post a selfie of the pie you baked. Post a cry for help composed solely of emojis. See how many people like it.
- Get dressed up as one half of a couple’s costume for a Halloween party. Keep checking your phone all night wondering why your (imaginary) lover hasn’t shown up yet. Fake an emergency text whenever the party gets boring and you want to leave. Post on Facebook that your lover has died. Finally, you’ll have an excuse to mourn your singleness in a socially appropriate way. Collect free Tupperwares full of soup from people you haven’t spoken to since college.
- Order a chai tea– because pumpkin spice lattes have become racialized, and there is nothing in the world that isn’t ruined by the specter of racism. Drink it; prepare for the sugar crash.
- Try the DivaCup. There’s never a bad time to try the DivaCup.
- Go to a haunted house. Get scared by teenagers dressed like zombies–instead of by phone calls from student loan officers.
- Break out your Ugg boots. Remember how much promise you thought your life had the first time Ugg boots were popular.
“Happy” fall! And remember… winter is coming!
Ashley Nicole Black is a comedian, writer and PhD dropout. Follow her @ashleyn1cole for really smart jokes.