…That’s enough water to fill so many Olympic-sized pools full of adult White men embarrassing their country…
Father’s Day is around the corner and if you are like me, you are wondering what does a grown adult spooning/cuddling/canoodling the poverty line get their father?
Below are a few ideas to help those on a budget celebrate their dads:
1. Macaroni Art
Make dad a macaroni art apology card for choosing to be an “artist” instead of going to Law School or getting an MBA like your brothers. Really glam it up by reminding him that you have a lot of student loans and paying the interest on them…so being an artist really can be a successful and lucrative field. Also this solves the problem of what to do with the extra Kraft® macaroni and cheese noodles you have lying around (what, you don’t use two powder cheese packets per one box of noodles… learn to live poor person, learn to live).
2. A VHS Tape
Preferably a tape (because he doesn’t know how to work anything other than a VHS) of you pretending to be your dad in a comedy show. You can tag this with “thanks dad. You’re with me everywhere I go!” Pro-tip: make sure to use a new video cassette, dont want him to see any old gilmore girls episodes… or whatever else might be on a tape you have lying around.
3. A GIF
Yes, a gif! He may still have a PC from 1996 and an AOL account but the hour and a half it will take him to open this email and download the gif will be a great way for him to think about how much you love him. Also why is it pronounced jif but spelled gif? #questions
4. A Polite Text Asking For Cash
Now you can pad this text with some verbiage about how he’s the greatest and most supportive dad..so supportive that he knows just how to help you when you’re struggling. Oh and did you mention you were not anticipating this cold you have and over the counter meds are just so expensive. Any way happy daddy day! If you are a gambler instead of a cold suggest you have an unplanned pregnancy and the guy just won’t pony up his half… be careful id your dad is on Facebook as he may post on your wall thinking it’s a text saying “put money in the bank for your procedure at planned parenthood. Tell me if I need to bring a shotgun to Chicago for that boy.”
5. Hand Art
Dad would love to get one of those paint things of your hand print saying “congrats I’ve never been arrested.” It’s a kind reminder that you aren’t a complete failure.
Happy Father’s Day!
Becca Taubel has performed with Second City Theatricals aboard the Norwegian Epic and is a current HouseCo member. She likes unicorns. USA! USA!