Buy all the canned vegetables and meat you can afford, and get down in the basement. NOW.
Sound the trumpets! Alert the minstrels! Roll out the leopard-print carpet! For Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (#KimandKanye) are TO BE WED!!!
While some of us (the internet, my mother, Kris Humphries) are a little too eager to judge and mock the happy couple on their engagement news, I could not be more excited for #Kimye.
There has never been a love so true, and for that, I am going to happily offer Kim and Kanye my personal advice for their upcoming nuptials. After all, I am an unmarried woman in her mid-twenties who does not know either of these two engaged famous people.
Never Go to Bed Angry
This rule is particularly important, because you will not be able to get through a single wedding reception from now ’til yours without hearing this cliché offered as sage and original advice (usually by someone’s thrice-divorced grandfather). But, as they say, clichés are clichés because they hold some truth, so I included it here.
Kim, when Kanye tells you he wants to be married on an alter of pure white marble held up by multi-ethnic bodybuilders…girl, you let him. He can throw a temper tantrum better than the Republican Party. I mean, have you heard “Blame Game?”
Keep Having Date Nights
It’s so important to keep the romance alive, and the best way to do this is to continue to ride on the backs of diamond-encrusted humpback whales to your own private island in the Caribbean. Or, you know, take it easy– and watch Pacific Rim again, which Kanye has called “easily one of [his] favorite movies of all time.”
Yes, this is a real quote, and yes, that makes me happier than the bride-to-be in that “home movie.”
Treat Your Spouse Like Your Best Friend
If your best friend called to tell you they dropped $15,000 on a new set of sheets made from baby seal fur, would you get mad at them? No? Then don’t get mad at Kanye, Kim! He needs his legs to be coddled by baby seal fur; IT’S GOOD FOR HIS CIRCULATION!
Support Each Other
This is an underrated bit of advice, especially for a wedding where there’s obviously going to be a MAJOR bridezilla: Kanye.
When Kanye asks for a flock of ducks with erect penises to fly out of his silk-lined reception throne… girl, you let him. When Kim asks for a dress made from the dust of Elizabeth Taylor’s pearls and the dust of actual Elizabeth Taylor…dude, you let her.
When Kanye asks for a polar bear with metal limbs and a taste for priest blood to be his ring bearer…you let him. When Kim asks for the soul of a virgin to regain her youth Sanderson Sisters-style…you let her.
You must support each other’s EVERY WHIM, or else this union will not last beyond 72 days.
Learn to Fight Fair
Instead of arguing over the table settings at your wedding, why don’t you throw two pieces of rare steak into your home tiger cage to see which one Lola eats first? Whoever’s steak is torn apart by the jaws of an illegally-obtained Siberian tiger wins the argument!
E-Z breezy Yeezy.
Continue to Earn Your Spouse’s Love— Every Single Day
After you tie the knot, make sure to continue to compliment your spouse and show them you appreciate them. If that doesn’t work, try posting lewd photos of yourself on Instagram… so your spouse can publicly comment about them on Twitter.
Marriage is Hard Work
As Kim already knows, marriage can be tough. But you gotta stick through all the bad times and slanderous Us Weekly covers to live a fulfilling life with your partner.
Besides, Kim. The Illuminati are watching.
They’re always watching.
Kristina Felske is a writer, actor, and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.