For those in a romantic relationship with bread.
So who wins? Let’s start with the most important American in the history of the world:
Oprah can finally start living again! With torrential rains expected across California, those pesky drought-related water restrictions will soon be lifted. That means our beloved Oprah will no longer have to ship in water to maintain her gardens. Ms. Winfrey can dedicate her energy to more important challenges, like vetting flatware for her annual list of Favorite Things or thinking about which moment of 2015 has been the most ‘aha!’
Your Neighbor’s Kid
With the warmest winter on record approaching, little Jimmy can stop shoveling snow off of neighborhood sidewalks and start enjoying the season unsullied by chores. Watch little Jimmy as he has rainball fights with his friends, toboggans down mud hills, and builds sleet forts. A winter wonderland, indeed.
Normally, the months between Halloween and Spring Break are the saddest time in the lives of young co-eds. Not this year. They can put away those North Face jackets and Timberlands and unpack those Sexy Christopher Meloni costumes–because now, every season is a good season to be a provocative SVU cop. With the money they’ll save by re-purposing their costumes, they can service their crushing student debt. This is what Oprah would call an ‘aha!’ moment.
That Darn Uncle
Just in time for the holidays, kooky Uncle Dan “The Rapture is Upon Us” Fowler has more indisputable evidence that the End of Days is here (Luke 21:25). Unfortunately, swarms of locusts and lakes of fire won’t arrive in time to get you out of Thanksgiving dinner with Uncle Dan.
Shirley can finally, finally find happiness.
Jessica Besser-Rosenberg is a Chicago-based writer, improviser, and stand-up comedian and performs regularly at iO. Follow her at @JessGBR.