My fellow Americans, I am proud to announce my presidential campaign for the 2016 election.
Downton Abbey versus Full House: that is the question. To celebrate the return of The Crawleys ‘n Co. for their highly-anticipated Season 4 premiere this Sunday night, I will do as I do with potential lovers– compare them side by side.
DA: What the heck is an “abbey?” Do I have to clean it by myself, or will Mrs. Hughes help?
FH: Living in the heart of San Francisco makes my inner drag king sing.
Winner: Downton Abbey, because in the end, that house is just TOO full.
DA: Features the finest apparel from the era, but unfortunately, this includes corsets.
FH: Features the finest apparel from the era, but unfortunately, this includes acid washed jeans.
Winner: Uncle Jesse’s leather vest. Have mercy!
DA: Cousins get married! Ungrateful daughters hook up with chauffeurs!! Murder!!!
FH: Serious question: If twins were hired to play Michelle Tanner, were quadruplets hired to play Jesse and Becky’s twin sons?
Winner: Downton Abbey’s drama over Full House’s laugh track.
DA: I could break Mary in half with my pinky finger. The one chubby person on the show is the cook… yet she never eats.
FH: D.J. had an eating disorder because she had to wear a bathing suit.
Winner: Downton Abbey. D.J. and I share a round face and an ability to get talked into eating again.
The There-Were-Never-Such-Devoted Sisters
DA: None of the sisters look alike. One is blonde, one is a ghostly pale brunette, and one is olive-skinned (albeit dead).
FH: If Michelle #1 was annoying, then you could replace her with Michelle #2.
Winner: Full House by a (blonde) hair.
The Food & Drink
DA: Tea and wine only.
FH: This show practically took place exclusively in a kitchen.
Winner: Downton Abbey. Even more so if it were wine and wine only.
The Gay Pride
DA: The token gay is the bad guy. But is he just bad because he’s misunderstood?
FH: If this show aired today, would Danny be gay? He does share a house with two other men…
Winner: Danny + Jesse + Joey? Cut. It. Out.
DA: Maggie Smith… but can she narrate How I Met Your Mother?
FH: Bob Saget… but can he stop He Who Must Not Be Named?
Winner: Bob Saget in real life surprised us all.
DA: Peaked with the Season 3 Christmas special.
FH: Peaked in the 5th season, probably because Michelle was cute from 0-5 and not again until 15.
Winner: Everybody loves Christmas! Right?
The Overall Winner
Downton Abbey! Fare thee well, TGIF… my 30-year-old self loves PBS.
Caitlin Costello is an alum of Second City Theatricals where she performed aboard the Norwegian Star. She is a graduate of the Second City Conservatory and iO Chicago. Currently, you can see her perform with Back Room Shakespeare Project and Storytown. She a teacher, director and (unpaid) dancer.