While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive…
1. You know it’s funny, but I can never tell if you’re pregnant or not.
2. Think of it this way: every group picture needs someone to stand behind everyone else.
3. Sure, a lot of guys wear bras.
4. Absolutely no way you’re not a virgin.
5. If you just worked a little harder, I bet you could diminish your lisp almost entirely.
6. Having braces must make you feel like a kid again, huh? Too bad about all your crow’s feet.
7. Who taught you how to speak English: Jodie Foster in Nell?
8. You’re still a practicing Catholic? Now everything makes sense.
9. With a singing voice like that, it’s a good thing your son is already deaf.
10. So, do you even go to amusement parks, or is that considered a waste of money for anyone under 48″?
11. Lunch is my treat. Besides, I don’t think they accept LINK cards (food stamps) at Applebees.
12. Let’s meet at noon at the gym-oh wait, you probably don’t know where that is.
13. Hold on, it’s just sometimes I don’t know which eye you want me to look at.
14. Your arms must be so strong from pushing yourself around in that wheelchair all day.
15. Technically, she’s my boss in the office, but I’m in charge in the bedroom.
Eileen Montelione is sick and tired of world hunger, prejudice, and consistently getting her best ideas the second her head hits the pillow at night. Sadly, her undying sardonicism will forever discourage her from any attempt to do anything about anything. She shares a birthday with Bruce Vilanch, who is one of her heroes (other heroes: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and everyone involved with Arrested Development). Follow on Twitter: @emonte3