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After their controversial makeover of Brave‘s Princess Merida, the only semi-independent princess in their franchise, Disney has a lot of damage to undo.
Problem solved: Meet the newest Disney Princess!
Once upon a time not that long ago, in a land far, far away from gender equality, there lived a girl named Princess Proportionate Weight-to-Height-Ratio With a Great Personality.
One day, a fairy named Mike appeared to give Our Princess a handful of magical pills. So the princess takes one at the same time every day and takes control of her sexual reproductive health.
On the eve of her 17th birthday, the princess is trapped in a tower by societal pressures and CosmoGirl. She narrowly escapes using the power of a $75 sports bra and the female genealogical advantage of having smaller hands to grab onto rock crevices as she climbs down.
The princess runs to the castle– where there is no evil queen, only Dame Helen Mirren. They eat scones and discuss how aging only adds grace and wisdom to a woman’s life. Suddenly, Dame Helen turns to our heroine with a grave look and forces her to take a vial of liquid SPF 50, especially to be used on her neck and hands.
The princess is then banished from the castle until she can achieve all of her career goals, which takes until her mid-forties, so then she invitros and has a baby, moves to southern Washington and runs for Senate.
Chelsea Devantez is a member of The Second City Touring Company and performs in The Second City’s Improv All-stars and Improv Extravaganza Explosion. She and her bff created the series Modern Women, and their pilot, www.