An Op-Ed by Truck VanCar, Elected Duke of Patriarchy and Ted Nugent Enthusiast
In this world of ever-changing social norms and political correctness it can be hard to keep track of what you personally find offensive. But with this handy guide you can take all the time wasted thinking about whether or not to be offended and save it for more important endeavors like indignantly reacting online. You’ll never again miss an opportunity to (over) react with the
THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO BEING OFFENDED
1) Listen for buzzwords. These are words that NO MATTER in what context signal that you should be offended. Bitch (In reference to a woman) Cunt (In reference to a young girl) Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Goddamn (If you’re over 60 and in the South) Nigg** (if you pronounce the R) and Black (if you are talking about Indians)
2) Any jokes that are about women’s anatomy if you are a woman or hope to soon be getting blow jobs from women. You know how they say ‘there’s no such thing as bad press”? Well I say “There’s no such thing as funny jokes about women.” They’re all offensive.
Subcategory: Rape. Rape is not funny. Unless it’s about adult men in prison showers. Then it’s hilarious. Because it’s gay.Which is still funny. Because its festive.
3) Any combination of ‘kids’ and ‘guns.’ Kids shooting guns, kids getting shot with guns. There’s nothing more offensive than a 5 year old drawing a gun. Makes me sick just thinking about it. Video games and Porn are ok though. But not porn with kids.
4) God. This ones a real big freebie. See how you bristled when you just read the word “God?” Now maybe you’re wondering what I was inferring by putting the word ‘god’ in quotations. Did I not capitalize it on purpose?… It’s that easy! Anything having to do with God, Jesus or faith is very very offensive. But not those other religions like Buddha or Ganesh (sp?). Because no one reeeally believes in those ones.
5) Wildcard: It’s good to have a couple wild cards that offend you. You know, to keep strangers, friends, and family on their feet. Go personal! Have something that only you can find offensive and create a rotating stable of them. For me, this month its flow charts, felt, and storm drains.
6) Retard and Faggot are no longer offensive. They had a good run but it’s over for them.
NOTE TO BORING WHITE GUYS:
Since unfortunately you’re the perpetrators of like 95 % of offensive things the only thing you can really get offended by is other people getting offended by you. But you can have fun with this, I find Self-righteousness works the best, so does the incredulous phrase “God, don’t you have a sense of humor?” which is interchangeable with “God, what are you on your period?” “God, what are you pregnant?” and “Man, you got fat, Bitch.”
Like any muscle, the being offended muscle needs to be exercised. Remember, he most important thing to that there is there’s no limit to what you can be offended by.
Good luck and “God” Bless.