8 simple ways to prove you’re the godless heathen they’ve always known you to be.
Dear Diary to Myselfs,
I am having so many of the mixed feelings. I do watching of the game where it is David Beckham’s last to play. I see him leave the field, and the peoples are to cheer. He is doing the crying, and now I cry too. Tears they are stream down my face. And my face is not perfection with the tears. It is close, but it is not perfection. But it is close.
I am not sad for him. I do not weep to see him go I am hurt that people they cheer for him. I am so much the better. One day I will show the peoples that I am so much the better and they will feel dumb that they cheer for him today.
It’s very complicate to my feelings.
He is professional player for several years, and I am professional player for several years, but no one think of me as the player that is David Beckham. Some people say that he is the best. Some people say Lionel Messi is the best. David Beckham say Lionel Messi is the best. Lionel Messi say David Beckham is the best. How can we compare? You cannot compare Ferrari with the Porsche. I thinking it is me, the best. I am better than David Beckham in the moment. I don’t see why they are to like him so much. I am the cooler. I am the hotter. I have Giorgio Armani and he do H&M. H&M is for the poor American peoples to look like European It is bullshit that everyone is to like him.
Fuck to David Beckham!
Look at his stupid crying face! It’s like he does not have barber to shave his face. Where are pictures of David Beckham with hot Posh Spice wife on beach? They do not do hot, sexy things like play on the beach. They do the park with the litter of children. That is not sexy! Why do the peoples they call him sexy?!
Oh, Diary; it’s very difficult, my feelings. We lose bad game yesterday. I get not a single trophy this year. I get bad press after Miss BumBum say I am to cheat. I am not a cheater. I am honest, I am good player, and I am sexy. And I get NOTHING. Maybe I am doing the projecting. Maybe I do not hate David Beckham. Maybe I am to hate myself.
Sometime it all make me so tired. The pressure of the publics, the pressure to be sexy spokespersons for Jacob & Co. watches, the pressures to unveil of the Nike CR7 boots, and how do I not supposed to get stressed or mad or sent off during semi-final game? People think they are to know you everywhere. They think they are to really know you. But no one is to know me. No one is to understand me. They are not my friend. They do not live inside to my house. They do not share the day with me.
NO ONE IS TO UNDERSTAND ME.
I am too serious. I don’t wanna cry about that. I take too serious. But I am better than David Beckham. One day, everyone will see it.
My anger is making me to drink, but I do not drink. I am to go run pantless with jersey on now.
Fuck the David Beckham to hells,
Cristiano “Coolest in the Game and Definitely More Sexiest and Better Player than David Beckham” Ronaldo
Nikki Pierce (@nikkinikkp) is an actor, writer, and dancer/choreographer currently living in Chicago. She regularly performs at several storytelling and comedy shows around the city and, if interested, you can properly stalk the rest of her work at nikki-pierce.com or nikki-pierce.tumblr.com.