In the year 2017, a champion arose from the hardships of privilege…
So, some old dude who runs that crafting hellhole Hobby Lobby was like, “Ew, women do the sex for pleasure? That’s gross, because women should do the sex to procreate with me or to make me feel manly when I’m on a trip to Thailand.”
And then Obamacare was all like, “Hey dude, you gotta cover birth control pills because women are actual humans who sometimes have sex for the fun of it or because they love someone, and maybe they actually DON’T want to go through life being Michelle Duggar with a sobbing baby bazooka for a vagina.”
So Hobby Lobby Dude remembered the Golden Rule in America. When you’re grossed out by something, you just say the magic words:
“It’s against my religious beliefs.”
And that makes it totes okay.
But then Kathleen Sebelius, a dangerous woman with her very own thoughts, was like, “Sorry bro, gotta cover birth control because Yeebus Christ, it’s 2014 and women are human people and you can’t control them, you frail, soft, walking adult diaper.”
And then Hobby Lobby threw a tantrum that lasted all the way to the Supreme Court, where five frail, soft dudes in adult diapers whose eyes twitch when they think of a woman being an autonomous, sentient being, were like, “Yeah, sorry, Kathleen She-beastius, bros before hos” and made it okay for corporations to be all like, “It’s against our religious beliefs” whenever female employees decide to do something oogy and female, like have sex.
So hooray! Corporations are people! Religious, God-fearing folk, just like that sour old lady in the denim jumper who grimaces when she sees you buying pink citronella candles at the Walmart Express with your gay lover. Is her name Enid, or “Enid Venture Holdings, LLC?”
Now that you’re free to be all religious-y, my adorable corporation friend, what else can you do to express your deep, true, not-at-all-pretend-and-completely-profit-motivated Faith?
Here are a few ideas!
Eliminate Your Entire Customer Service Team
Because it’s not a product defect anymore, it’s clearly God’s Will. The customer service line could even be replaced with an automated message from Rick Warren that says, “Sorry you were unsatisfied. Maybe next time pray harder?”
Hire A Chief Excommunication Officer
Someone has to handle the infidels/sinners/single moms/women who wear shorts. Have an employee who thinks gay waiters should be allowed to marry the ketchups? Get a “CExO” to send her ass packing.
Lead a Children’s Crusade To That Factory In Bangladesh That Needs More Workers
Let’s march and spread the good word! God has a plan! That mostly involves the executives of this company getting ridiculously fucking rich. But still, it’s a plan. #Blessed
If A Subsidiary Hires A Female Executive, Split From Them Immediately
If you believe women can’t be priests or rabbis or imams, then clearly they shouldn’t be a spiritual leader of your spiritual company. Keep them barefoot and in the break room!
Implement “Take Your Daughter To Work And Then Stone Her To Death” Day
If your daughter is a birth control pill-popping uber-harlot, then as a father you must do your “Deuteronomy” and have her stoned. What better time to do that then immediately after you show her how the fax machine works?
Promise Shareholders 40 Virgins at Every Shareholders Meeting
Actually, I feel like this is probably already done at most shareholder meetings. Shareholders are gross.
Hire Kirk Cameron As Your Brand Ambassador
That hunky smile could sell a BabyBjörn to an abortion doctor. Do you sell crafts? ATVs? Dental equipment? It doesn’t matter. Without Mike Seaver on your team, you’ll lose your competitive advantage in the marketplace and be Left Behind.
Make Every Sale Rapture-Themed
Everything must go, before we go! Repent with our rebate offer! Save your soul AND your shirt when you buy AA batteries!
Make Your Hold Music Twila Paris’s “God Is In Control (Of The Free Market)”
God is in control! We believe that His fourth quarter earnings will not be forsaken!
When Your Staff Preys On Innocent Customers’ Checkbooks And Abuses Them, Don’t Punish Them, Just Quietly Move Them To A Different Department
Problem (always) solved!
John Loos is a Chicago-based writer and actor who has performed with The Second City at Sea and recently joined the faculty of The Second City Writing Program. He’s an ensemble member of GayCo Productions and performs in the two-man sketch and improv duo Pinque Pony. He can be tweeted @johnlooswins.