As a straight, white, Christian male, I am exhausted by the 3% of American society that doesn’t bend over backwards to meet my preferences…
1. Show up to everything in a limo.
2. Bring up marriage as soon as possible. When introducing yourself to a man, you can ease him into this conversation by saying something like, “So, you must be my future husband…”
3. Reveal your deepest secrets and flaws during the first date. Remember: being a girlfriend is a lot like applying for a job; full disclosure is necessary.
4. Wear a bikini under everything because you never know when you’ll need it. After all, this is America: land of the free and home of the hot tubs.
5. Pack up your apartment and leave a suitcase by the door prior to any date. If the date doesn’t go well, move out of your apartment, and preferably, far away. Refuse to explain yourself to your roommates.
6. Keep framed photos of the people you are dating on your bookshelves. Stare at them when deciding where the relationship is going.
7. If the guy breaks up with you, call all of his ex-girlfriends and invite them to a gathering where you Tell All.
8. Cry. Early and often.
9. On dates, participate in activities that are dangerous or make you uncomfortable. Refusing to do life threatening things means you will be a bad wife.
10. The morning of a date, send the man a video message and plead your case as to why he should keep dating you.
11. Know that any buttoned down shirt can be tied and changed to a midrift baring shirt at any time.
12. Bring a single rose on every date and keep it in front of you. Stare at it the entire time.
13. If the guy you are dating proposes, look at him and say, “So…I won?”
Kate Lambert has written and acted in shorts that have been featured on such sites as The Huffington Post, MTV, Cosmopolitan, Perez Hilton, Feministing, PoliticusUSA, College Humor, and Italy’s Vanity Fair. She is a member of the sketch group Cell Camp and the improv groups The Katydids, Virgin Daiquiri, and Rick at the iO Theater. www.katelambert.com