As a decent American, please read and boycott accordingly.
Whether it’s Big Game Sunday or just a regular lonely Sunday, Velveeta has always been there for us… until now.
Kraft’s recent confirmation of a nationwide shortage of our favorite (processed) cheese (product) has forced us to horde those precious last remains in our fridge… until now.
Presenting our best Velveeta shortage recipes.
- Grandma’s Specialeeta
Take your Grandmother’s most famous dish– whether it’s pie or meatloaf– and add Velveeta! Everyone will enjoy!
- Mac ‘N (Processed) Cheese (Product)
Cook macaroni noodles in pan while heating one loaf Velveeta cheese in another. Drain the water from the noodles; combine both pans. Enjoy!!!!!!!!!
- Parteeta Dip
Melt 1 block Velveeta cheese in a crock pot. Throw in a few tomato pieces and some garlic powder. Grab chips and ENJOY!!
Preheat oven to 300°. Roll out canned pizza dough and put hunks of Velveeta on it. Put in oven for 15 minutes. Ennnnnjoy!
- Pizza DELUXEETA
Preheat oven to 300°. Roll out canned pizza dough and punch a tomato into it. Put pieces of Velveeta on top; bake for 15 minutes. Ennnnnjoy DELUXE!
- Chunks of Velveeta on Tray
Cut Velveeta into chunks; arrange on a tray. Enjoy enjoying!
- Cream of Velveeta Soup
Melt 2 blocks Velveeta in a large pot. Grab a spoon and enjoy!!!
- Pasteurized Processed Depression
Take several bites from the “cheese” block. Repeat 2-3 times a day. Try to enjoy. Be unable, due to brain chemistry.
Alan Linic is an alum of The Second City Training Center’s House Ensembles and a Conservatory graduate. Claire Meyer is currently a member of Twisty, an official Second City Training Center House Ensemble, which performs Saturday nights at 9:00 p.m. in the De Maat Theatre. You can follow their fights on Twitter@WeFoughtAbout.