Benjamin Franklin's 4th of July Declaration of Celebration

Huzzah! At long last!

The colonies have separated from the tyranny of England, and we can finally stand together as the newly-formed United States of America! On this July 4, 1776, I, Benjamin Franklin, aka Poor Richard, aka Benjo Freezus, set my sights towards the future of our great nation and hope that future generations will remember to celebrate America’s independence in these dignified and respectful ways:

Explosions

‘Tis true, this nation was set free from the British thanks to bombs and gunpowder, and while both are indeed terribly dangerous, it is my dream that someday, all across this great land, people will legally (or illegally) make it their patriotic duty to get their hands on explosives they have no idea how to use and set them off for all behold! I dream of a whole nation of children who can stand proudly and say, “I lost my index finger because I LOVE AMERICA!”

The Mass Consumption of Flame-Cooked Meats

July the Fourth shall forever be a day where the people of this land come together to remember the importance of democracy and the true joy of freedom. I should hope that they do this in the best and only way I can think of: by gathering around a flame-powered contraption and cooking obscene amounts of freshly slain calf and pig! ‘Tis no secret I am myself a man of great girth and have interrupted many a meeting of the founding fathers with a rousing chorus of “I want my baby back, baby back!” Get it? It’s a little ditty I composed about the joys of consuming the baby back ribs of the bovine! A piece that will stand the test of time, to be sure! And speaking of music...

The Music of Famed Bard, Truce Springstyne

I dare say, there is no greater voice of our generation than musician Truce Springstyne, whose glorious tune “Bore Of My Mother’s Womb, Though She Died in Childbirth in the United States of America” is one that should be blasted from the hilltops and the valleys every Independence Day! Even though I’ve heard tell the song is actually a deep criticism of our country and the way we treat our Revolutionary War veterans, the chorus is truly catchy . TRRRUUUUUUCCCCEEEE!

A Much-Needed Day of Rest

Aye, I know there shall be no nation on earth that works harder than the great and powerful United States, and so I dare say that the celebration of July 4th should be a day on which none shall work and instead all will refrain from exerting themselves in any way. After all, I have no doubt that hard-working Americans will spend a majority of their time at their place of employment, and while there, shall tune out all distractions, refraining from any sort of tomfoolery in favor of giving undivided focus to the tasks at hand. I know that as of this writing, many workplaces have had to make strict laws against employees bringing their bound portrait collections, or “face books,” to work, and others have had to stop employees from twittering away all day like birds at a fountain, but I am certain that with the passing of the years, these fads shall fade in favor of good, honest work. There is plenty of time when not working to view a list of “Five Horse-Drawn Carts that Resemble the Male Phallus.” Therefore, a day off, I say!

As Much Alcohol as Can Be Consumed within a Legal Limit (Or Not)

Truly, the men who fought and died to create America should be toasted to no end on the birth of our independence. In the words of my good, close, personal friend, Samuel Adams, “I hope, one day that I am associated only with beer, and long forgotten is all of my patriotic duty to this country and the things I did to assist in its creation. That is how much I love and value alcohol in beverage form!” I agree tenfold! It reminds me of a quote of my own, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, and also I sort of believe everyone should be able to own slaves.”

A Joyous Fourth to You All,

--Benjamin Franklin

Daniel Strauss is an alum of the Second City touring company and performs at various theaters in the Chicago area. He also makes fun videos about video games that can be found at gamebroswebseries.com. Daniel is on Twitter @danielstrauss.