Congratulations to all the 2019 Golden Globe nominees.
A recent actual scientific study reported that men who are funnier have better sex. HA! Are you hilarious? Looking to add some hee-haws to your ding-dong or hoo-ha? Here are some hot tips to bring humor into the bedroom, whether you’re a sexy boy or girl!
The Paul Rudd
Gently kiss his neck. Don’t be afraid to nibble. Massage his shoulders as you work your lips down towards his chest. Then, grab his arm and yell, “It’s time to slappa da bass!” Using his arm as an air-bass, play a few bars from the Seinfeld theme song until you both drop to bed, completely spent!
The Civil Suit
Don’t let work get in the way! Send him a sexy text at the office so that he’s thinking of you all day. Then, while he’s stuck at his 9-5, break into his home and lacquer the floor and any railings or banisters with massage oils. The scented exotic oils will enchant him as he slips and slides all over his apartment. It is always fun when people slip and fall, especially when they’re sex people.
Right as you’re climaxxxing, yell out…your deepest secret or biggest fear. Then, when your partner is all like, DA FUQ?, you can just laugh it off and turn it into a joke and never speak of it again, and see that’s funny?!!
The Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade
When she asks if you’ve finished, shoot straight up in bed and say, “Finished?! I’m just getting warmed up!” Grab the microphone you keep under your pillow and ask her if she’s ever been on an airplane. What’s the deal with those? And you call that food? Woof!
Come up with a fun and flirty nickname for all your favorite parts. He’ll have a great time getting to know your Keenan and Kels while you welcome him to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger, because your room is decorated like a Good Burger, and you’ve hidden loose hamburger meat in your pillow case.
The Long-Haired Hanks
When your lady or m-ady falls asleep, connect their freckles/moles/skin tags with a permanent marker. See if you can turn their imperfections into funny words, d*cks, or Illuminati symbols! And if they get pissed, just show them YOUR “Dan Brown” and wink.
The A Butt Tuba
Insist that your partner calls you “A Butt Tuba.” Get down with palindromes, y’all.
The Taken 4
The next day, send your person sexts to let them know you had a great time—but first, pretend that you’ve been kidnapped or trapped in a dungeon or well. Send complicated clues, coordinates to a Chipotle, or draw a map that looks like 8=======D. And if they’re like, you’re a sociopath, be like, no: I’m a socioLAUGH.
You *could* take the easy route and sign up for an adult improv class at The Second City Training Center.
Carley Moseley is a Chicago-based writer and performer who shares her bed with a stuffed animal Dalmatian named Don Quixote. She is very into this weather and tweets @carleymoseley. Julie Marchiano does more or less the same things and tweets @juliemarchiano. Together, they are GUNNER (@gunnersketchcom) and perform sporadically.