Buy all the canned vegetables and meat you can afford, and get down in the basement. NOW.
Who else is burning up with Spring Fever?! I mean, it’s Memorial Day Weekend already!
Depraved of sunlight and motivation for far too long, we ladies become fixated with reviving the woman inside ourselves who got buried by the depressed, pale Lilith-from-Cheers versions of ourselves. This inevitably forces good judgement out the window, leading to rash purchases and beautifying pitfalls.
So here, ladies, are some serious hazards to avoid this spring, particularly at any barbecues you make day/night drink at in the next four days.
Sure, these allow you to get in touch with the carefree child within you. But remember, the last time you wore a romper you had a diaper on and now that you’re a “big girl” (and facing bladder control problems), this outfit becomes more of a menace as that second coffee starts making its move.
Scar Removal Cream
We all have scars. The ones we can actually see we sometimes forget about until it’s time to put on a bathing suit. But hold yourself back—unless you want to risk ending up spotted, like a Michael Jackson-dalmatian hybrid.
Carly Rae Jepsen’s New Album
Oh, it’s coming— trust me! Let’s not make the same mistake twice. After all, we are women. Indecisiveness is unbecoming (maybe?). And as I’ve learned, flirting is most successful when the guy is a little afraid of you.
Cute? Yes. Practical? No. Haven’t you noticed there are potholes lurking everywhere? Unless you have a strong man who can carry you around, invest in sensible flats. (And if you happen across a strong man, then you shouldn’t be out, but rather at home exploring the “Jerry McGuire”position.)
Do you plan on putting more fruits or vegetables in there? If you answered fruit, you are doing more harm to your body than good, as you’re basically pumping pure sugar into your veins. If you answered vegetables, I hope you have a good gag reflex.
Can you put this in every orifice of your body and get awesome benefits? Yes. Should you? No. You walk around slippery, a magnet for lint and hair, and you smell like an Almond Joy for the majority of the day.
Dying Your Hair Bleach Blonde
Are you Pink? I didn’t think so.
Lisa Barber is an alum of The Second City Training Center and is currently a member of The Second City Touring Company. You can see what crazy shenanigans she’s up to at lisakbarber.com.