An Op-Ed by me, The News (You might have seen me before on television after The Playoffs.)
Wake your partner up with a resurrection
He just might reciprocate with a second coming.
Take a romantic bath
Light a dangerous amount of scented candles, fill the tub with champagne and play songs of your youth (like Sublime’s “Caress MeDown”).
Go to the airport and take the cheapest flight you can find. Enjoy Kansas!
Plan a scavenger hunt for your lover
The last clue leads to your privates, which you have had professionally groomed to look like his/her face. They’ll appreciate the attention to detail while making out with their hair-self.
There is nothing a man or woman likes more than a room full of red and pink hearts and streamers. But why not take it a bit further? I’m talking flowers, I’m talking wedding dresses, I’m talking murder-suicide pact contracts in case it doesn’t work out.
Book a mammogram
Then there’s 100% chance them titties getting touched on this, the most romantic of days.
Send my mom a present
It’s her birthday, and I always forget.
Plant a tree
When in doubt, plant a tree. This somehow makes it onto a lot of lists. I don’t know anyone who does this for fun.
You know what? I was thinking of Valentine’s Day. It’s Ash Wednesday? Weeelp, ash on my face. In that case, why don’t you just enjoy a quiet meal at a nice restaurant–since it’s the one thing you really can’t do on Valentines Day—and it’ll be real easy to book a table while everyone else is busy fasting.
Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the National Touring Company and on the e.t.c. stage. She is an alumni of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, currently teaches sketch and improv in Chicago and occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com.