“Here Lies Alyssa: Backpacked Through Europe, Parents Have to Pay Back Her Student Loans”
When you take a long drag off your Apple iSmoke, you’re not just getting the nicotine fix you’ve become so viciously addicted to– you’re telling the world that you accept nothing but the best.
Here are just some of the amazing features that come standard with every iSmoke unit e-cigarette.
Finally, an e-cigarette that runs apps.
The iSmoke is capable of running tons* of exclusive apps. Make yours your own with an app that lets you change the butt color every time you inhale. (*There are no other apps available for the iSmoke at this time.)
The hottest music right between your index and middle finger.
Load up to seven of your favorite songs from your iTunes onto the iSmoke for on the go puffing and jamming. And because the iSmoke music player is 100% powered by your breath, music only plays when you inhale. Who says smokers can’t be green? (Earbuds sold separately and are guaranteed not to fit in most ears)
New iCloud of smoke.
View everything you currently have on your iCloud every time you blow vapor from your iSmoke into the air. While you won’t be able to interact with any of your items saved on the cloud, you’ll be able to show everyone around you that you use iCloud, which, according to our research, is the only reason to use iCloud.
Siri, at your command.
Siri comes standard with all iSmoke units and is at your beck and call. “Siri, remind me to plug in my iSmoke when I get home.” “Siri, how much nicotine have I consumed in the past thirty six hours?” “Siri, how many people in this room right now think I’m a total douche?” The answer may surprise you!
Thin, lightweight design.
The iSmoke is 12% thinner than most e-cigarettes. Finally, an e-cig that’s as easily breakable as a real one.
Starting at a price you can’t say no to.
The iSmoke will start at the low, affordable price of $699, because let’s face it, Apple tech junkies are just going to line up outside stores like three days in advance regardless of whatever the hell it does or if it is any good. Look for that price to go town to $49 in six months when the iSmoke 1S is released, which will do everything the iSmoke 1 did– but with an orange cylinder that looks like a filter attached to it.
A battery made for smokers on the move.
The iSmoke’s battery life is second to none, with the exception of virtually every other battery currently known to man. Smoke for up to six minutes at a time between charges. As an added bonus, the A/C charger that comes standard with your iSmoke is rendered instantly useless upon opening the packaging and must be immediately updated to a new charger that does the same thing but has a smaller plug (or something).
Ready to quit? No problem.
Good news: Introducing the Apple iPatch, set for release Fall of 2014.
Daniel Strauss is an alum of the Second City touring company and performs at various theaters in the Chicago area. He also makes fun videos about video games that can be found at gamebroswebseries.com. Daniel is on Twitter @danielstrauss.