greetingz chick-fil-a executivez hello do not b alarmed hello sur yes pleez stay in ur seetz no ur ayez r…
Editor’s Note: Shortly after running this article, we received this response from recently-resigned sorority girl Rebecca Martinson. Not really. But if we had, we imagine this is what she might say to us…
Dear Second City Network Asshats,
If you just opened this email, then put your teeny baby and Ensure shake down, because this letter is going to be a fucking roller coaster of a read.
I’d first like to extend my gratitude for capitalizing “The Email”, making it super-duper clear that MY WORD IS FUCKING TRUTH. For some reason, the blasé, boring wastes-of-space that run my sorority can’t get that through their poorly-accessorized heads. That’s why I resigned from that shit hole.
Secondly, (look, I know sequential order, too!), Google HATES when you use “Google” as a verb instead of the powerhouse noun and entity it is. I once passed out on a guy’s couch that interned at Google, and he corrected me every time I said I was going to “Google Nicki Minaj photos.” It’s “Google search.” You’re fucking welcome.
Third: YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. My mom is NOT, I fucking repeat, NOT AN ENGLISH TEACHER. She teaches Science. And I DID go to work with her yesterday, because I’m on CS (“constant supervision” for you prudes that have never been on probation or in a mental institution) by the state of Maryland.
You have ZERO RIGHT to red pen my email, and ZERO RIGHT to be FUCKING SURPRISED that I know how to properly form a paragraph, much less a fucking sentence. A. Fucking. Sentence. How old do you think I am? Do you think I get all my reading knowledge from Super Why!? In case you’re mentally challenged and you don’t understand that that question was rhetorical, the answer is NO.
“But Becca!” you say in a sorry little sad voice from behind your PC computer monitor, “Why are you attacking me? I have to get paid! I had a deadline!” YOU ATTACKED ME FIRST. THIS MEANS WAR. I’m not even fucking kidding. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! The US, Canada, and Mexicans that speak English do. Get on board.
Finally, there are SO MANY things wrong with your last sentence that I feel the need to run through it for you (not LITERALLY, FIGURATIVELY). Since you taught me that judging someone on their PERSONAL email is completely OK, and yours was fucking published, I’ll take that as my go-ahead:
“But since she’s majoring in Cunt Punting, Rebecca’s taking a pass on heading to class with Mom.”
A) Starting your sentences with a transitional phrase is fucking tacky. That clit slit that wrote the shitty vampire series tried to make it stick, but it’s simply a poor decision. (Side note: I did it in my email, but let me remind you I hadn’t planned on it getting published. Hindsight.)
B) When taking a journalistic approach, even in a feature, it’s usually proper to use the subject’s LAST name when they’ve been mentioned previously in an article. DURRR, I SHOULD’VE MINDED MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. (Yes, that was directed at you, and the use of 3 R’s is a callback to your slap in the face of my generation’s choice to “know it well enough to break the rules.”)
C) Cunt Punting is not a major at the University of Maryland. It’s a fucking way of life. I am majoring in Women’s Studies.
If you are offended by this email, I really don’t care. Eat a dick.
Nikki Pierce (@nikkinikkp) is an actor, writer, and dancer/choreographer currently living in Chicago. She regularly performs at several storytelling and comedy shows around the city and, if interested, you can properly stalk the rest of her work at nikki-pierce.com or nikki-pierce.tumblr.com.