Hey take a look out your window–see those kids playing outside What a bunch of dicks right You’re stuck inside…
It’s Cubs season in Chicago, which can only mean one thing: Strangers want to pay me lots of money to stay in my guest room a few blocks away from Wrigley Field. What could go wrong?
The following dos & don’ts are completely true things I’ve learned while being an AirBnB host. Please take them into consideration before opening your own home up to any potential orgy and/or brothel activity.
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DO: Keep your personal things locked away. Seriously. Those old Vicodin from your root canal will disappear.
DON’T: Use your hairbrush ever again after you find it in your guest’s luggage.
DO: Put nice chocolates on the pillows before guests arrive.
DON’T: Try too hard to determine the origin of the brown stains on your sheets.
DO: Make sure your profile picture is an accurate representation of you and your home.
DON’T: “No, the ‘Caitlin’ we are looking for was skinny in her picture and wasn’t in a multiracial relationship…”
DO: Tell your guests that you and your boyfriend are performers. Sign autographs when they ask.
DON’T: Don’t invite them to your improv show, where they quickly learn your autograph is worth nothing.
DO: Have a beer with your guests! Learn about where they are from, and find out what makes them interesting.
DON’T: Be too polite. You need to be able to cut someone off when they talk about their squash blog for 2 hours.
DO: Ignore it when you overhear a couple getting it on. They are on vacation!
DON’T: Get bitter when hosting affects your own sex life. Cause it will. Man, condo walls are thin.
DO: Keep things guests leave behind. You’ll look like a world traveler with your Chinese coin purse full of Canadian loonies and toonies.
DON’T: Offer to mail forgotten items to guests. The line at the post office sucks when you are trying to mail Charlotte’s missing slipper to Charlotte, North Carolina.
DO: Make money.
DON’T: Get murdered.
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Caitlin Costello is an alum of Second City Theatricals where she performed aboard the Norwegian Star. She is a graduate of the Second City Conservatory and iO Chicago. Currently, you can see her perform with Back Room Shakespeare Project and Storytown. She a teacher, director and (unpaid) dancer.