Handy tips from someone who hasn’t been a kid in nearly two decades…and isn’t a parent either.
While we’re all especially sensitive to breast health issues during the month of October, there are certain things our breasts need to be aware of throughout the year.
Here are 9 of them.
9. Bras that cost less than $10 are not a good deal.
Sure, that pink polka dot contraption at Forever 21 is cheap and cute. But would you ever dare force an animal to live in a flimsy cage of polyester, see-through lace and stabby wire? Extend the same courtesy to your sweater cows that you do to your Chipotle cows.
8. It’s good to get squeezed now and then.
A recent study shows that squeezing breasts can possibly improve their health over the long-term by encouraging normal growth patterns in cells**.
**Study conducted by the Second Base Coalition and commissioned by every 15-year-old boy ever.
7. Michelangelo totally did not get them.
Michelangelo, masterful painter, sculptor, and Renaissance Man, created some pretty gnarly facsimiles of breasts in his day. He used exclusively male models for his paintings and sculptures, leading to some… questionable female anatomy choices.
Exhibit A: The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Goes to show you that even geniuses can be boobs when it comes to boobs.
6. It’s pronounced “Double-D,” not “Dee-Dee.”
Letters are hard. And you’re probably wearing the wrong size, anyway. Bra sizing as we know it was created by Maidenform less than 100 years ago, so we’re still working out some kinks in the system.
5. Identical twins rarely occur in nature.
So what if you don’t have a perfectly paired set? Most people don’t. It’s actually more common for breasts to be different sizes than for them to match. Feel confident knowing that your girls fit right in with all the mismatched cutlery and socks in your apartment.
4. Breasts have inspired some pretty awesome nicknames.
Not every body part is worthy of a plethora of pet names. Take, for example, toes. But mammaries get monikers like knockers, gazongas– and have even inspired an entire chain of restaurants that have great chicken wings (you know, Buffalo Wild Wings).
3. Everyone’s nipples are weird. Everyone’s.
Dinner plates. Inversions. High beams. Even having an extra one or two. Check your nipple hang-ups at the door and appreciate their bumpy, hairy weirdness. This one goes for the guys and the gals.
2. Dan from Accounting has found a semi-valid excuse to stare at them.
A popular (and most likely fake) German study concluded that looking at breasts for 10 minutes a day can add up to 5 years to a man’s life, leading a lot more people to suddenly take an abiding interest in obscure German medical studies.
Science can work both ways, though – just let Dan know that you recently read a study that men’s retinas spontaneously combust after 10 minutes and 1 second. You have just as much proof on your side as he does.
1. You have the power to command the entire NFL to wear pink for a month.
When a thousand He-Men are wearing pink every Sunday to get your attention? That’s a touchdown for breasts everywhere.